I'm Leaving, On A Jet Air Plane An Xcellerator Forced Air Hand Drier

There are three things about the restrooms at work that bug me.

First, there aren't any paper towel dispensers. Sure, they have those hand driers that are like jet engines. They blast out hot air to dry your hands with, but those aren't the same. Some of them blow out hot air, and some just blow out barely warm air, but none of them really dry your hands. Not like good old fashioned paper towels. And it's not like they don't have any paper towels. There are four or five paper towel dispensers in the lunch room, but for some reason they won't put any in the bathrooms.

At least the hand driers here aren't quite as bad as the ones at Verizon. The air coming out of those driers was so powerful it would practically peel the skin off your hands. Those always reminded me of those hose nozzles they used to advertise on late-night TV that were so strong you could power wash your driveway with one. I remember one selling point they mentioned on those commercials was the fact that you could use it to scale a fish.

Yeah, if you want fish scales all over your yard, the neighbor's yard, and in your hair.

I also hate the sinks at work. Well, technically I don't hate the sinks, I hate the faucets. They're hooked up to motion sensors so they just come on by themselves when you stick your hands under the faucet. That in itself wouldn't be too bad, except there isn't any way to adjust the temperature. It's either on or it's not.

Plus, not only are they on motion sensors, they're also on timers, so the water only comes out for a limited time.

And I'm not talking minutes, I'm talking seconds. That's kind of convenient at first. You just need enough water to get your hands wet then start scrubbing. The problem is when you're done washing and ready to rinse off. Once the timer shuts the water off it doesn't want to let it start back up right away. So you either have to keep sticking your hands under the faucet and hoping it'll eventually come back on, or go from sink to sink to get one that will let you rinse off the soap.

Then, once you get the water running and get almost all of the soap off, guess what happens?

That's right, the water shuts off again.

Right before you get that last bit of soap off the back of your hand or your wrist or wherever. Now, that wouldn't be a problem if we had paper towels so we could just wipe off the left-over soap, but you can't air-dry off the soap. That just leaves a dried-up, crusty bunch of dead bubbles.

Finally, the main reason you go to the restroom in the first place.

The toilets suck.

Just like the hand driers and the faucets, the toilets are set up with motion sensors, so you theoretically don't have to flush the toilet yourself. You just take care of business, clean up any left-over business or take care of whatever lady-business you're there to take care of, then stand up and the toilet thoughtfully flushes by itself.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always work like that. I still remember the first time I used a self-flushing toilet. While I was sitting there I noticed my shoelace was untied, so I bent over to tie it. If I hadn't already taken care of business by that time, and if my pants hadn't been down around my ankles at the time, I would have peed my pants when the toilet flushed all by itself.

Holy crap, I thought. What's going on here?

At least now I know to expect occasional random flushes. Some stalls are worse than others. Some wait until you're really finished & get up. Some flush themselves every time you reach over to grab some toilet paper.

It's a crap shoot, so to speak.

Just flushing by themselves wouldn't be too bad, but some of them flush like there's no tomorrow. I'm talking major swirly flushing.

They might even scale fish.

Some are so vigorous if you don't hop up soon enough the toilet almost turns into a bidet, which for those of you who have never heard of a bidet is a bizarre cross between a toilet and a water fountain. Apparently they're popular in Europe, but I have a hard time understanding the appeal of having your ass spray-washed. I mean, really, unless you're using one of those fish-scaling nozzles, you're not cleaning yourself, your just spraying water all over your ass.

I've never actually used a bidet. I think I might have seen a display at Home Depot or somewhere, but I'm not sure if I've ever even actually seen a functioning bidet. Is there some kind of soap dispenser? Can you adjust the temperature?

And I can't imagine the amount of toilet paper it would take to dry your ass afterwards. I think paper towels would be more appropriate, but, like I said, there aren't any paper towel dispensers in the bathroom. Maybe bidets have built in Xcellerator Forced Air Ass Driers.