Commercial Medical Conditions

Watching TV commercials gives you the equivalent of the first year of medical school.  You learn about all sorts of medical conditions that you never knew existed.  Most have initials for names--E.D., B.H.P., O.A.B, and so forth.  Most of them occur below the waist.  Maybe that's why so many of them have just recently been discovered. There were laws against showing them in public.  You could even get your name put on a registry and your home shown on a map.

The other day I discovered a new medical condition.  It is one I picked up from watching these commercials.  I was enjoying my breakfast (Special K with fresh strawberries) and watching the news.  Break for commercial.  Another commercial.  Another.  Then a cartoon drawing of my intestines began talking to me.  Do I have I.B.S.?  The pink intestines began turning red like my strawberries and then ran across the screen to the bathroom.  It didn't say whether they made it in time.  Then a man explained that I.B.S. stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  It can ruin your life.  Or at least your breakfast.  Fortunately, the sponsor is selling a pill for it.  Surprise.

I didn't catch the name of the pill because  I was all caught up in my own discovery.  I had developed a brand new medical condition of my own!  My thumb was trembling, then twitching, then thumping.  Without me doing anything, it whacked the TV remote, and the screen went blank. 

I have I.T.S.--Irritable Thumb Syndrome!  When any of these commercials come on now, that thumb goes into a seizure.  When that lady's Over Active Bladder is pulling her away from the airline gate and toward the bathroom, I get I.T.S.  When that sultry young woman caresses a football and croons how you can overcome your Erectile Dysfunction and Benign Hyperplasic Prostate and have her if you just take Viagra, my thumb gets an erection and lunges for the remote.  I can't control it.  I have I.T.S.

Is there a pill for it?  If there is, do I want to take it?  Or, since I am the one who discovered this medical condition, can I make some money bringing it to the attention of some drug company?  They can develop a pill for it and we will split the profits!

It's such a great idea that I am already working on another.  My daughter Ruth breaks out in a rash and wants to puke when Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio.  I think she, and maybe millions of others, suffer from C.R.S.--Conservative Revulsion Syndrome.  And its related condition--T.H.I.D.M.C.--Trump's Hair is Driving Me Crazy.

I am going to be a very rich lady.  I will probably let it go to my head.  They probably have a pill for that.