Whole Lotta Tard

Usually I'm pretty politically correct. On the other hand when I see someone or something (I'm looking at you, Snoopy) doing something stupid I say he's got a whole lotta tard in him. The other day I had some tard in me. I set my alarm for 9am. At least I thought I set it for 9. And no, I didn't set it for 9 pm. Turns out I set it for 8. I didn't notice what time it was, so when it was quarter to 9 I left for work. After all, I knew I was supposed to leave at quarter till. I saw the big hand on the nine and didn't pay any attention to the little hand. I was working for about 15 minutes when one of the manager types came over and told me to stop working. What a tard.

That's about as good as the other day when I stopped at a gas station on my way to work. They must have had a lot of drive-offs because all the pumps were pay in advance. So I went in, got a soda, paid for my gas, and walked out, congratulating myself on a job well done. I was about five or six blocks away when i realized I hadn't actually pumped the gas. I probably would never have realized what happened if I hadn't been running on fumes because what tipped me off was the fill engine light coming on. That's odd, I thought. I just filled up. Then the lightbulb went off.

That frazled me so much that when I got to work and noticed they were having a blood drive at work I decided to go ahead and run down and give blood on my break since it was just down the stairs from where I work. Turns out 'run down' and 'give blood' don't really fit in the same sentence. You have to read this little booklet, sign something saying you read the booklet, sit in a little room and click on a computer screen proving you read the little book, then answer questions from a nurse about the questions in the little book.

Everything was going fine up till that point. I could tell I was never going to make it in 15 minutes, but I decided I was already there, I would just keep going. Then the nurse lady said she had to stab my finger to test my blood to make sure I had enough iron or something. She stabbed me with the little poker, then squeezed my fingertip to make sure a nice big healthy drop came out. Blood shot out of my finger like a gyser. I swear, it shot a stream of blood three feet in the air. That lady was lucky she didn't get a face full of it. Now, I admit, it wasn't like I had been decapitated or anything, it was just this little stream, but it was a stream, not just a few drops hurtling through space.

The look on that nurse's face was priceless.