Eat Me

So, I went to church today. I don't go every Sunday, but I do like to make an occasional appearance. It's a very small congregation. 15 is a full house for my little church, and the average age is probably 70, but on the other hand we have the most adorable ushers. The only children that go are these two little girls, probably about 7 & 10. At first they just went up at the beginning of the service to light the two candles on the altar, but now they get up & pass the collection plate, too. I guess the two old guys that used to do it are too old & feeble to do it any more.

It's weird that I go at all because I don't consider myself a Christian. Maybe a Jesusarian. I don't think even Jesus would consider himself a Christian. Jesus is a lot like Ronald Reagan. If the Ronald Reagan from the 1980s could hop in a time machine & materialize today he wouldn't want to have anything to do with the Republican Party, & if Jesus could do the same thing he would bitchslap about 75% of the people who claim they're Christian because they obviously don't have any idea what 'love your neighbor' means.

Here's a hint. It doesn't mean 'Fuck you, you lazy feminist illegal alien libtard.' It means if you know somebody doesn't have anything to eat you share what you have, whether you have a lot or a little. You don't dump toxic waste in a creek to improve your company's bottom line. You don't fire half your workers & then give the management all raises. You don't look down your nose because somebody has an accent, or heaven forbid doesn't speak English.

So, anyway, I went to church. The first Sunday of the month we always have Communion. I know this was the second Sunday, but church was called off last week due to bad weather. There's been a lot of that going around. I'd probably like Communion a lot better with a few improvements. Bread dipped in grape juice isn't very tasty. If we could dip chunks of chocolate chip cookies in milk I'd get in line twice.

I'm no religious scholar, so maybe I just don't understand, but the whole Communion gig is crazy. I understand it has something to do with the Jewish Passover tradition & there's some kind of historical connection there, but come on. Jesus wants me to eat his body & drink his blood?

Really? And that's supposed to put me on the express lane to Heaven?  And the entire human race is going to Hell because a talking snake convinced Eve to trick Adam into having a snack? The God of the Old Testament has the personality of a middle school bully. Jesus reminds me of a lady that started out a wholesome, Girl Next Door type that's had so much plastic surgery you wonder if she's really human or maybe an alien, or a mannequin. I'm sure somewhere deep in the New Testament was an amazing man who wanted to change the world, but he's been turned into Jerry Springer.