Sassafras, Part 72


Joan

If Rick said it was his fault one more time, I swear I was going to slap him. No, that’s not true. I wouldn’t slap him. It was nice to think about, but I would never do it. No matter how crazy he drove me. And boy was he driving me crazy. “Look, Rick, I admit you sound like you were a certified rat bastard of the highest order, but you’re not now. I can tell you aren’t a rat. A rat wouldn’t care about what happened to Dana. A rat wouldn’t feel guilty. A rat wouldn’t have even mentioned it. I’m sorry about your ex-wife, but it really wasn’t your fault. She could have divorced you, or just left you any time she felt like it. Or she could have just started fooling around herself, or beat you with a frying pan until she knocked some sense into you.”

“Is that what you would do?”

“I don’t know,” I said, reaching over to inspect his head. “It would take an awfully big frying pan.”

He smiled, but he still looked troubled. “It was just hard today. Seeing Jenny made me think about Dana. It reminded me of all the shit I put her through. I don’t want to do that to you. What if I am a rat?”

“I’ll invest in frying pans.”

“I’m serious, Joan. What if I mess this up?” He was studying my hand, rubbing it between both of his. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know what to do, how to act. When I saw that guy talking to you last night I got so mad I couldn’t stand it. Then when he put his arms around you it was even worse. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to see it, but I couldn’t stop watching you with him. I remember he said something and you smiled at him, and then I thought you were going to leave with him. I was so afraid you were going to leave. I don’t know what I would have done. I’d rather die than stand there and watch you leave with him, but I couldn’t do anything except stand there, waiting for you to get up and start walking away. And then he kissed you and I knew you were going to leave, and I still couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t stop it. It hurt so much I couldn’t stand it. It felt like there was something inside trying to claw it’s way out.”

I put my arms around him. I didn’t know what to say to him. I was the one who always needed a shoulder to cry on. Seeing him like this, hearing all the pain in his voice, made me want to make it all better somehow, but I didn’t have any idea how. “It’s okay, Rick. He was just a guy I knew in school. I wasn’t going anywhere with him. I was waiting for you.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer, burying his face in my hair. “I’m right here, Rick. I’m going to stay here, with you.”

“You shouldn’t. You should go back to New York now, while you can.”

Now I was getting confused. “You want me to leave?”

“No. I just don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“So, you think I would be safer in New York? That’s crazy, Rick. Nothing’s going to happen to me.”

“That’s what I used to think about Dana.”

“Rick, don’t try to push me away. I know you hurt Dana a lot, but you’ve never hurt me.”

“I hurt you all the time, Joan. I made you cry not five minutes ago.”

“You didn’t make me cry. I was crying because I was afraid. I thought if I was really pregnant, you’d leave. I don’t want to be alone, not with a baby. I’m not as strong as Jenny. I couldn’t do it on my own. Even Jenny had me and Mom to help her. If you left, I wouldn’t have anybody. I need you, Rick. Even if I’m not pregnant, I need you. You’re the only good thing in my life right now.”

His arms tightened around me. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t want to see you in a box like Jenny.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me, Rick. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that. Joan, somebody murdered your sister. I don’t know who and I don’t know why, but somebody killed her. If you keep playing detective….”

“I’ve got to find out what happened to Jenny. You can’t make me just pretend everything’s fine. I need to know what happened. Bill needs to know. Nobody else cares what happened.”

“I care!” he insisted, turning my face so he could look into my eyes. “Please, Joan. If you won’t leave, at least let me look into it. Don’t keep poking around and asking questions. Please, trust me Joan. At least give me a couple of days to snoop around and see what I can find out before you do anything else. Please, trust me, just this once.”