Sassafras, Part 70

Rick


“What’s wrong?” She picked up her cigarettes and lighter and looked over at me.

“I forgot something. Again.”

“What?” she asked and then realized what I was talking about. “Shit.”

“Yeah, shit is right. I’m sorry, Joan. Tomorrow I have to go see my parole officer. You could go with me. We could stop at the hospital. They have that morning after pill. It’ll be okay.”

“But what if it’s already too late? I could already be pregnant. Would they even give me one of those pills?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they could find out if you are or not.”

“What if they say I am? What would you do?”

When I didn’t answer she pulled her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms protectively around her legs. “I don’t know what I would do, Joan. It’ll be okay. It doesn’t matter if you are or not.”

“Yes it does. It matters to me. You might not care….”

Nothing I said was coming out right. “I didn’t mean it like that. I do care.” I squeezed her shoulder and prayed for the right words. “I care about you, Joan. I care about everything that happens to you. There’s nothing more important to me than you. If you are pregnant I’ll do anything you want, no matter what you decide. If you’re not ready I’ll be there for you. You won’t be alone.”

“Is that what you want? To take me to a clinic somewhere and get rid of it?”

“No, that’s not what I want.” I slid closer to her and put my arm around her. “I’ll do anything for you, Joan, anything. No matter what you decide, I’ll be there for you.”

“But you don’t really want to have a baby, do you?”

“No.” As soon as I said that I felt her tense back up and move away from me. Shit. I’m such an ass. “I meant not right now, Joan. Not never. I’d like to get to know you better before we start picking baby names.”

“But what if it’s too late? What if I am? What would you do?”

“If it was all up to me? If you’re pregnant right now?” She nodded, but wouldn’t look at me. I felt horrible. It seemed like every time we were together I managed to make her cry somehow. Everything I said was wrong. I would be better off if I kept my mouth shut, but I knew I had to say something. I just didn’t know what to say. It had been so long since anybody cared what I wanted I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I would love it if you were going to have a baby.” I tried to tell myself I was just saying what I knew she wanted to hear, but as soon as I said it I knew it was the truth.

“No,” she said. “You’re lying.”

“I swear it’s the truth, Joan. I admit, I don’t want you to be pregnant. I would be lying if I said I did. But if you told me we were going to have a baby, I would be happy. I know I don’t deserve you, and I don’t have any idea why you put up with me, but I know I’ve never been as happy as I am when I’m with you. When I’m with you, I don’t feel like such a complete and total failure.”

“You’re not a failure. You just made a mistake.”

“A mistake. You don’t really know me, Joan. My whole life is a mistake.”

“You’re wrong. I do know you. You’re a good man.”

“You don’t know me. There are things you don’t know.”

“Then tell me. I want to know.”

“No you don’t. I don’t want you to know.” Now our rolls were reversed. I couldn’t stop staring at my hands, but I could feel Joan’s eyes studying my face. I finally took a deep breath and started talking. “I’m not a good man, Joan. I’ve never been a good man. I started hacking into people’s computers when I was just 15, but I didn’t really steal much. I just liked the challenge. I thought it was fun. And it wasn’t just hacking. I was nobody in school, but I could be anybody on the computer. All I had to do was make up a screen name and start lying. There were grown women begging to meet me. Or at least, begging to meet a rich plastic surgeon from Dallas, or a computer millionaire from Seattle, or whatever lie I was using that night.”

“Then when I got to college I realized I could pretend to be anybody I wanted to in real life, not just on the computer. Nobody knew who I really was, so I could be anybody. So, I acted like I was just another spoiled rich kid. Everybody liked me. I was popular. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was invisible. I was the life of the party, and college was just one long party. Before I knew it I was another spoiled rich kid. Just instead of running to Daddy every time something caught my eye I just got on the computer and stole it.”