Sassafras, Part 47

Joan


“Kiss her again” I heard somebody yell. Tony and his friends had been sitting there watching everything. I was so embarrassed. I tried to hide behind Rick, but with his arms around me I just ended up pressed tightly against him. I couldn’t believe I had been about to run away. When he said I was lucky to be going back to New York I just snapped. I couldn’t believe that he thought I wanted to leave. That he thought I wanted to forget all about him. He called me lucky, but I knew he was wrong. I had never been lucky in my life, and I sure didn’t feel lucky then. I was miserable, and he didn’t even care. If he wanted me to forget all about him I needed to start right away, so I threw on my dress and walked out the door.

I don’t know what I thought he would do. I didn’t really care. I just couldn’t stay there another minute. I wanted to go someplace as far away as possible. Farther than New York even. Just start walking and never look back. Maybe if I got far enough away from him it wouldn’t hurt so much when I thought about him. Maybe I could forget the way he smiled, the sound of his voice, the way he kissed me. He called my name a few times but I didn’t stop. I was barely able to hold it together, and if I stopped I knew I would fall apart.

I was halfway down the stairs when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I was able to slip away from him, but then he got in front of me and wouldn’t let me get past him. He said he wouldn’t let me leave until I told him what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I’m not sure how much sense I made because by then I was crying and everything seemed to just come out in a big rush. It was even worse when he put his arms around me. It just wasn’t fair. It felt so good, but it wasn’t real, it was just an illusion. I tried to convince myself everything wasn’t going to come crumbling down as soon as I got on the plane to New York, but I could already feel it starting.

Rick swore he would find a way to make everything work out, but who was he trying to kid? I knew he couldn’t do anything to change the way things were. What could he do, sneak to New York and hope his probation officer didn’t find out? Risk going back to prison just to see me? Even if he would, I didn’t want him to. I couldn’t stand the idea of him going back to prison, especially not because of me. What if he got hurt in there? Or even worse, what if knowing he was back in prison because of me made him hate me? I would rather have him forget all about me than hate me. There was no way to win, just hundreds of ways to lose.

I knew once I went back to New York I would be alone again. I had always been so busy I never even noticed how lonely I was until I came back to Sassafras. How could I ever convince Billy to move to New York when I didn’t want to go there myself? Maybe he should stay with the Kennedys. Then I could just go back to my little apartment and bury myself so deep in work I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. I should probably get a couple more cats because I was obviously destined to be one of those crazy old ladies with 30 or 40 cats, somebody people avoid sitting next to on the subway because they smell like a litter pan.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I swear I’ll find a way to work this out. I waited too long to find you to let you just walk out of my life now.” He looked so serious I started hoping maybe there was something he could do. When he kissed me I felt everything start to melt away, at least until I heard the yelling and whistling. I couldn’t believe Tony and his friends had been watching the whole time, like my life was some kind of reality TV show. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I didn’t mind being in front of people when I was working, but this was personal, and painful, not something I wanted people gossiping about behind my back

It got even worse when they started yelling for Rick to kiss me again. He looked like he was thinking about it, but then he shook his head. “I already kissed her,” he said. I was so grateful he wasn’t going to embarrass me any more than I already did. I thought everything was going to be okay until he kept talking. “I think she needs to kiss me.” Cheers erupted from the lawn chair brigade.

“Rick! Are you crazy!” I hissed at him and slapped his shoulder.

“What?” he looked at me. “It’s just a kiss, not a lap dance or anything indecent. Don’t tell me you’re afraid to kiss me.”

“I’m not afraid. I just don’t like everybody staring at me.”

He looked over at our audience. “They’re not looking at you,” he said. “They’re all looking at me. That’s the Sassafras chapter of the Colonel Hogan Fan Club. They’re just a few of the millions of people across the world who worship the ground I walk on. It’s only a matter of time before you join the club.”

I looked at them and then back at Rick. “Okay, Slick, if they’re the Colonel Hogan Fan Club, why are they yelling Rick instead of Hogan?”

“They appreciate the man behind the legend.”

“Oh, you’re so full of shit.”

“Would I lie to you?” he asked with the most innocent look on his face.

“Yes. Yes, I think you would,” I couldn’t help smiling at him.

“There, that looks so much better.” He ran his finger lightly across my cheek. I felt his arm tighten up around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “So, what’s it going to be, Fraulein? Am I going to get kissed, or are you going to disappoint my fans?”

“No.”

“No you won’t kiss me, or no you won’t disappoint my fans?” I was barely aware of them anymore. All I could think about was how good it was to feel him holding me that close. How irritatingly charming he looked when he smiled like that. Just like Colonel Hogan I thought, right before I leaned over and kissed him. I was still standing on the step above him, so I didn’t have to stretch up to kiss him. It surprised me that I missed that tiptoe feeling. It just didn’t feel as electric. It almost felt ordinary.

I shook my head and pulled back away from him a little bit. “That wasn’t right.” He tilted his head and watched me move down to the same step he was on. “Let me try that again,” I said and reached my hands up around his neck, stretching up on my toes. That kiss was more like what I had expected. It sure didn’t feel ordinary. I could feel his hands sliding down my back, pulling me so close I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He wrapped his arms around me and then straightened up, lifting me off my feet. It surprised me, and for a moment I was afraid I would slip out of his arms, but he was holding me so tight I could feel his heartbeat. I could hear Tony and his friends clapping and cheering, but I didn’t care if they were watching or not anymore.