The Evil Empire

I think everybody here would agree that the real Evil Empire isn't North Korea or Iran. The real Evil Empire is right here in the USA. It's called the IRS. This year, I can joyfully tell them to kiss my ass.

I remember the good old days, when I was a student and hardly made any money. Just enough to pay for the necessities of life: gas, alcohol, and concert tickets. Back then I could fill out the 1040EZ form, and was able to check that I was exempt from taxation. Taxes were for losers and adults. Not cool people like me. Then I made the mistake of leaving school and joining the workforce full time. I still remember the first time I filled out my tax form and line F wasn't greater than line D. I wasn't going to get my spring bonus. They actually wanted me to send them money. What insanity was that? I still remember my exact thoughts. "Fuck this, hello trash can."

That was how my relationship with the IRS went bad. At first they were patient. I don't know if they even realized I had stood them up. I wasn't too worried. Eventually, they started sending me letters wondering where their money was. Even though it started as a small amount of money, there is apparently something called interest, that ballooned the balance to an unholy amount I was never going to pay. Since that day long ago when I threw my tax papers in the circular file, I've moved about a dozen times and got married twice. Still they tracked me down.

At first they just sent an occasional letter, letting me know they were watching me, waiting for their money. Those letters joined the original tax forms in the trash can. Eventually they figured out I wasn't going to send them any money. Not unless they sent somebody to my house to break my kneecap or something. I was perfectly happy pretending nothing had ever happened. Unfortunately, they weren't so happy. And they had an evil plan. Since that fateful year, I had adjusted my tax withholding strategy, so I was enjoying my usual spring bonus every year.

Then one year, instead of my expected spring bonus, I got a thank you letter from the IRS. They finally realized that they could get their money by just keeping my spring bonus. Assholes. That was my money and I wanted it. On the bright side, I was able to adjust my tax strategy a little better and they ended up only getting $50 or $100. Even if I wasn't getting my spring bonus, at least they weren't going to get all their money until about 2014.

Then last summer they sent me another letter. They were tired of waiting. They either wanted all their money right then, or they were going to start sucking the money directly out of my paycheck every week. Apparently the IRS was sneakier than I thought.

My husband called to explain that if they were going to start taking money out of my paycheck we might as well move right into the nearest homeless shelter because we didn't have any extra money for them to take. He was able to convince the lady on the phone that any payment would be a severe hardship. She looked at my file and actually agreed. Plus, she told him that since the original incident had been so long ago, there was a time limit. If they didn't start taking my money by the end of last year, they would have forget about the whole thing. No more stealing my spring bonus, no more sending me mean letters, no taking money out of my paycheck.

So this year, for the first time in ages, I'm expecting my spring bonus any day now. Ebay here I come. I see a new tarot deck, some crystals, and probably something chocolate in my future.