No, Really

Well, right when I decided to start blogging again, my internet decided to go on strike. I'm not sure what happened. Somebody was laying some kind of wire or pipe or something and cut through the phone & internet cable. They were able to fix the phone right away, but the internet has been down all week. I've been stuck with nothing but solitaire since Monday morning.

For three whole days!

Luckily, I just downloaded a mail program from Mozilla, the guys that made the Firefox browser I use, that downloads e-mails onto my computer instead of just leaving them floating in cyberspace, so I still had something to do besides just solitaire. I had a file full of jokes & funny pictures Mom's sent me over the years. If Mom's going to put up my old posts I think it's only fair to post something from my e-mail vault.

Here's an oldie from 3/9/2006

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FREE MONEY VIRUS

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an email message, with the subject line "Free Money," do not read the message. Delete it immediately, unplug your computer, then burn it to ashes in a government-approved toxic waste disposal incinerator.

Once a computer is infected, it will be too late. Your computer will begin to emit a vile odor. Then it will secrete a foul, milky discharge. Verily, it shall screech with the tortured, monitor-shattering scream of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it streaks into the night, howling like a banshee. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days sodomizing household pets and mocking the Pope.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant ... some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing dirty snake, in twisted pursuit of his own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net, via an e-mail entitled "Free Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even have to open the e-mail, for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to receive the e-mail. You do not even need to own a computer. "Free Money" can infect even minor household appliances.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate ... but BELIEVE US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love.

Don't do it later! Do it NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!

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It also came with a huge list of viruses, like the LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2, which reformats your hard drive to a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows. A lot of them are pretty dated. Like Lorena Bobbitt isn't pretty dated. There's the PINTO VIRUS, that sets your computer on fire. I can picture younger people wondering why beans would set anything on fire. There's a Boris Yeltzin virus, a Bob Dole virus, 4 different Dan Quayle viruses. They're cute, but there's a lot of them. Not cute enough to clog up the Cud with them.

As if my losing my internet wasn't bad enough, this morning when I got up I didn't have any water. Not even a trickle of brown sludgy foam. I thought it was related to the loss of the internet but it wasn't. There was a break about a block from my house. I drove by it on the way to work. There were 4 or 5 guys standing around in a lake of ankle deep water that used to be a cross street. We have water now, but we're supposed to boil it just in case before we drink it, or wash dishes with it. You know, just in case. Just in case of what, I'm not sure.

But at least I don't have to boil my laptop.

So I was going to blog, honest. I think Mercury must be in retrograde. That's a good catch-all astrology phrase for when things go wrong, especially communication- or relationship-wise. Feel free to drop it into random conversations.