Bring On The Monkeys

So I was reading this thing in the New York Times. Sounds deep and intellectual and everything, doesn't it? It was all about sex. Right there in the New York Times on-line. It was like that song the Streak. Don't look, Ethel.

Too late.

Anyway, it was pretty interesting. This sex researcher, Meredith Chivers, watched subjects watch porn. A lot of porn. Some was straight sex, some was gay sex with just men or just women. Then there were also videos of just a naked man by himself, either taking care of business or walking along a beach, or a naked woman either working out or, you guessed it, doing it.

Then, just to spice things up, she decided to add a video of a bunch of monkeys having sex. It didn't say if the monkey sex was straight or gay. It was a bunch of bonobo monkeys, and they're sort of the sluts of the primate family. You can Google them if you want. I bet you can find plenty of bonobo monkey sex tapes on You Tube. Don't let me stop you. You know you're going to.

I'll just wait.

Okay, so anyway, not only did she watch them watch all this porn, they had to rate how turned on they were by it. Just how hot did watching two guys, or some chick doing crunches, get you? But, just to see if the test subjects were honest, they were all wired. The men put on something I can only imagine as a computerized condom. The women actually, well, inserted, some kind of probe that shot laser beams around the inside of their coochie area to see if they're ready to get down and party.

The interesting thing was all the men were honest. If they said two girls didn't do anything for them, that was because they were gay, not because they were lying. Straight guys weren't interested in anything the guy by himself was doing, but if there was a woman involved they were on it.

The women, on the other hand, were a bunch of big fat liars. The only thing they weren't interested in was the stud on the beach. They even liked the monkey sex. Of course, that's not what they put on the survey. Two men together? Who wants to watch that? Apparently a lot of women wouldn't mind. Even the chick exercising turned these women on, but can you blame them? Have you ever seen an exercise video? All you need to do is replace the huffing and puffing with moaning and groaning and you'd have a porno.

Speaking of which, apparently the monkeys, while not caring about safe sex, were pretty quiet about the whole thing, so the researcher added more monkey noises. Took it from National Geographic to Monkeys Gone Wild. I still can't believe the women liked the monkey sex. Well, to be honest, what I can't believe is the men didn't. Not that I'm turned on by monkey porn or anything. Really. Quit looking at me like that.