Sassafras, Part 49


Rick

If only I could tell what she was thinking. I had done everything but beg her to stay, but she just stared at me like she’d rather walk across hot coals or broken glass. Did she hate Sassafras that much, or was it me? If I wasn’t on probation I would move to New York and never look back. I thought about telling Boyd I wanted out. I didn’t care if he busted Sneider or not anymore. If he didn’t have enough evidence it wasn’t my fault. Joan may not want to move back to Sassafras, but maybe she would move to St. Louis, or Kansas City. Boyd would be pissed, but so what? If it was a choice between spending four and a half years on probation with Joan, or staying in Sassafras and watching her fly back to New York, I would pick probation.

Then I thought about Jenny. I still didn’t know what happened to her, but I could tell Sneider was up to his eyeballs in it. What would Joan do if she found out I knew he was involved in Jenny’s death all along, he might even be the person who killed her, and I just walked away? She would think I was just a selfish pig, only interested in myself, and she would be right. I couldn’t stop now. Like it or not, I was stuck in Sassafras. I needed to find a way to convince her to stay.

“Why are you so determined to go back to New York, anyway?”

”Didn’t we already go over this?”

”I’m still waiting for a better answer than ‘just because’.”

“I live in New York, Rick. That’s where I work, that’s where I live. You want me to give up my job and my apartment, my whole life. I don’t know if I can do that. I wouldn’t have anything if I moved back here.”

“You would have me.”

“Right now. Face it, Rick. I’m just some woman you picked up in a bar.”

“Oh, is that what you think? You’re just some woman I picked up?” It hurt hearing her say that because I knew it wasn’t true. It would have been true if I met her before I did time. Trusting me back then would have been a big mistake.

“Rick, you don’t understand. You act like I’m something special, but I’m not.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re just some random woman I picked up in a bar.”

“Well, I am. Don’t tell me Thursday night you were sitting around and just had a hunch that the woman of your dreams was probably at Tanner’s having a beer?”

“No, I was just lucky. Very, very lucky.” I looked at her and thought what an understatement that was. At least it would be if I could convince her to stay. “When you walked into the police station I couldn’t take my eyes off you. After you left I kept seeing you everywhere I went. At Don’s, at Wal-Mart. You were everywhere. When I saw you at Tanner’s I wanted to talk to you, but I was so nervous I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“You were nervous? Why?”

“Why? Because I’m nobody, Joan. I’m an ex-con. I work in a dog food factory. I live in the No-Tell Motel. Not exactly much of a catch. Why would you want to have anything to do with me?”

“Because you made me laugh. Because I love your smile, and your eyes. Because I love the way I feel when I’m with you.”

“But not enough to stay.”

“I want to stay, Rick. I do. It just scares me. What if this doesn’t work out? When something’s too good to be true, it usually is, and this is way too good to be true. I don’t know what I’d do if I moved here and then you met somebody else. At least if you could move to New York I would still have my job and my apartment, and I wouldn’t see you with her everywhere I went.”

“Joan, there is no her. I don’t want anybody but you. You’re everything I ever wanted. You’re perfect. I wouldn’t change anything about you. I just want you to stay.”

“I’ll think about thinking about it,” she finally said, leaning up against me, her head resting on my chest.

‘Take what you can get, you idiot,’ I told myself, but I knew I wouldn’t listen to anybody, not even myself. “Think about this, too,” I told her and kissed her. I wanted it to be a kiss she wouldn’t forget, one she would still remember when we were both old and gray. I held her face between my hands, lifting her lips to mine, and kissed her gently at first. I moved one hand back into her hair while I caressed her cheek with the other hand. When I felt her tongue searching for mine I pressed against her lips harder, my tongue pushing her mouth open wider. I brushed her hair back, then moved my hand down and put my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. I wanted to hold her like that and kiss her all night long, feel her tongue playing against mine, her body pressing against me.

“Okay, okay, I give up. I’ll think about it,” she whispered. “Do you always get what you want?”

“That’s up to you.” I was starting to feel hopeful. At least she was going to think about staying. “Come on, Babe, we really ought to get going. Jenny’s car isn’t going to fix itself.”

“Back to the real world.” She didn’t sound very thrilled. “I’d rather stay here.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying.”

“I meant tonight, not forever.”

“You want to spend the night here?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I should go home and spend some time with Billy, but I’d rather stay here with you.”

“Okay, but you’re mine tomorrow night.”

“It’s a date,” she said and kissed me.