Sassafras, Part 37

Rick


It was hard leaving Joan in the morning. The last thing I wanted to do was walk out that door. I drove to my apartment as fast as I could, but when I pulled up I saw Tony already banging on my door. He’s one of the other ex-cons working at the Purina factory. When we found out we both lived at the Monte Vista we started carpooling. I pulled up and honked the horn a couple of times before he turned around and saw me.

“What the fuck?” he asked as soon as he opened the door. “We’re going to be late, Pops.”

“Just shut up and get in. I’ll drive today. Besides, it’s Saturday. Kennedy won’t be there.”

“Yeah, but that bastard Paulson will be there. He hates me. I’ve been late six times already. If I’m late again I’m screwed.” He threw his bag in the back seat and got in. I’m not sure how old he was, about half my age. Maybe 20, 21. He was in prison for selling coke to an undercover cop. He was lucky and only spent two years inside.

“Trust me, we won’t be late,” I said as I pulled out of the parking lot.

“Did you forget it was my turn to drive this weekend?” He looked at me then started laughing. “I see how it is,” he said.

“What?”

“You got laid.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I got eyes. You got laid.”

“Bullshit.”

“Don’t bullshit me, man. You got laid. Look at your clothes. Nice shirt, nice pants. Shiny shoes. Those shoes don’t have steel toes, do they? You’re going to get wrote up for that. You look like you been up all night, you need a shave, you haven’t even combed your hair. Admit it, man. You got laid,” he said and started laughing again.

I glanced in the mirror and ran my fingers through my hair. He was right, I did look rough. I tried to ignore him and concentrate on driving, but once I started thinking about Joan I started smiling, and that just made Tony laugh even harder.

“Come on, Pops, what’s her name?” he asked. “Come on, your secret’s safe with me. I won’t tell anybody. Except Joe and Terry, maybe Bobby.”

I knew he wouldn’t shut up until I told him. “Joan.”

“She any good?”

“Let’s just say you’re lucky I made it home when I did. I could have stayed in bed all day.”

”No, you’re lucky. You miss work and you’re on the outside looking in. Even your cop friends couldn’t save your ass. You really ought to stay away from them. This aint Mayberry, you know. Tanya’s brother Cameron came up from St. Louis to see the baby a couple of weeks ago and got pulled over by one of those pricks. He had a little something in the glove box, and the cop told him had two choices. Either give him all the coke and all his money, leave town and never come back, or spend the weekend in jail and then get charged with felony possession with intent to sell. There wasn’t enough to make it a felony, but the cop said by the time they got to the station it would be. Those cops are bad news.”

”Which one was it?”

“Man, what do you think he did, ask for his autograph? I don’t know which one it was. Tanya was one pissed bitch when he called and told her what happened.”

“Was that coke for you?”

“Hell no. I can’t afford coke with that baby sucking all my money. She’s a little black hole, I tell you. Diapers, baby wipes, formula, clothes. Tanya probably took 50 rolls of film already and Kelly’s only 5 months old. If I knew how much this baby was going to cost I’d have kept my dick in my pants, but you’ve seen Tanya. Who could say no to those tits?”

“You’re an ass,” I told him, but I wasn’t smiling any more. A baby. Shit, what had I done last night? Why hadn’t I stopped long enough to put on a condom? I always wore protection. Not with my wife, but with all the other women I had been screwing on the side I did. Who knows what kind of diseases they had, or if they were telling the truth when they said they were on the pill. The last thing I had wanted back then was another woman trying to run my life, and another snot nosed little brat following me around yelling Daddy, Daddy all day.

Sure, the thought of Joan running my life had a certain appeal. I would love to be able to wake up every morning next to her, have her waiting at home for me when I got off work, but who was I kidding. That was never going to happen. In a few days she was going to be back in New York. Sure, maybe we’d keep in touch, call each other when we got lonely, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think there could ever be anything more than that between us. She deserved a lot more than me, an ex-con, working in a factory, no future and a past I wished I could forget. She could have any man she wanted, a doctor or lawyer, that senator she told me about, somebody who could treat her right. The last thing she needed was me.

I thought of what would happen if she did get pregnant. I tried telling myself it would be different this time. I was different. I suddenly remembered how Josh had smelled when he was little, how tiny his hands had looked gripping my finger. For a minute I hoped Joan would be pregnant. I wanted to be able to watch her belly swelling and know it was my baby inside her, but then I realized she would be in New York, a million miles away from me. I couldn’t stand the thought of having another child I would never see, another child calling someone else Daddy.