Sassafras, Part 24


Joan


I was nervous. I couldn’t believe I invited Rick over for dinner. I didn’t remember inviting him, but if he knew about toast I must have. Toast. I was going to kill Maria. I pulled my cell phone out of my purse before I got in the car. “Is Maria Torres in?” I asked when someone answered the phone.

“One moment, please.” I was only on hold for a second and then Maria came on the phone.

“Maria, you are in so much trouble,” I told her.

“Joan? What happened?”

“Does toast ring a bell?”

“What are you talking about, Joan?”

“Men are pigs, they’ll eat toast and like it. Remember?”

“Yes, I remember. What happened, Joan?”

I had to take a deep breath first. “I met somebody,” I said.

“A man?”

“No, a German Shepherd. I’m going to rub his belly and then we’re playing fetch. Yes, a man. I invited him over for dinner. Maria, I invited him over for toast and he said okay.”

I heard her start laughing. “Maria, this isn’t funny. I don’t know what to do. I can’t cook. The only thing I can cook is chocolate chip cookies.”

“And toast,” she said. “Calm down, calm down. This isn’t a tragedy, it’s only dinner. Is there a grocery store there that sells those roasted chickens already cooked and ready to eat?”

“I don’t know. Not here in Sassafras. I have to go to Bond and see my mom, there’s probably one there.”

“Okay, all you have to do is get one of those chickens, put it in a pan and stick it in the oven and he’ll never know. Get one of those bags of pre-mixed salads and throw a can of vegetables on the stove and you have instant dinner. Now, tell me about this man. Is he good looking?”

I thought about Rick. “Remember those statues I told you about at the art museum?”

“Way to go, Joan! What’s his name?”

“Rick. He’s a policeman.”

“Ooh, a man in uniform.”

“No, he was wearing regular clothes. I guess he must be a detective, or maybe he works undercover.”

“Maybe he’ll do a little undercover work tonight?”

For a second I was speechless. “Maria! Don’t say that!”

“Why? Honey, if you invited him over for toast and he said yes, he’s interested in more than dinner.”

“Oh, no!” I said. “No, no, no, I can’t do this. I have to go back and tell him I changed my mind.”

“Don’t even think about it, Joan. Look, you’re smart, you’re beautiful, and you’re single. You’re interested in him, or else you wouldn’t have invited him over, and he’s interested in you, or he wouldn’t have said yes. Just have dinner and send him home if that’s all you want. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I don’t know, Maria. I think this is all a mistake.”

“Why? What’s wrong with having dinner with somebody besides a client? You had dinner with Senator O’Brien and everything was fine. Just pretend he’s one of the senator’s aids. Or you could pretend he’s a German shepherd. I bet he’d like it if you rubbed his belly.”

“Very funny. I’m going to need therapy when I get back to New York, and it’s all your fault.”

“You’ll be fine, Joan. Look, I’ve got to go. I hope you like the flowers we sent. And have fun tonight, you deserve it.”

“Okay. Thanks for everything, Maria.”

I started to flip my phone shut when I thought of another call I needed to make. I needed to check on my cats. I could see June giving Sophie’s pills to Tiger. My first call didn’t go very well.

“Hello?” June said.

“Hello, this is Joan. I was just wondering how Sophie’s doing.”

“Joan? My name isn’t Joan. My name is June. You must have the wrong number.”

“No, June. This is Joan. I live in your apartment building.”

“I already told you, nobody named Joan lives here, Honey.”

And then she hung up.

“Hello?” she said when I called back.

“Hi, June! How are you?”

“Oh, I’m fine, just fine,” she said. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. I was just wondering how my cats are doing.”

“Your cats? Who is this?”

“This is Joan. I was wondering how Tiger and Sophie are doing.”

“Oh, they’re doing just fine. Somebody just called looking for you. Poor girl thought you lived here. She never said what her name was.”

“That was probably my secretary. She said she would check on my cats, but I wanted to call myself. Have you had any trouble getting Sophie to take her medicine?”

“Oh, Sophie is a sweet little cat. I pop her pill in a piece of hot dog and she just gobbles it right up. I have to give Tiger some hot dog, too, or he cries. He’s such a big baby.”

“Yes, they’re both pretty spoiled. You’re giving the pill to the little white cat, aren’t you?”

“Yes, that’s the one you told me to, isn’t it?”

“Right, I was just making sure you remembered which one needed the medicine. I hope they aren’t too much trouble for you.”

“No, it’s no trouble at all. I watered your plants while I was there yesterday. Did you know you had aphids on your geranium? They’re all gone now. I just sprayed it with some soapy water and they all died. That’s the secret, soapy water. I moved it closer to the window, too. Maybe it will bloom if it gets more sun.”

“Thanks, June. I’m glad you don’t mind taking care of my cats while I’m gone. I still don’t know how long I’ll be here. All weekend at least, probably all next week, too. I’ll call you back when I find out.”

“Okay, I’ll take care of everything here. Don’t you worry about a thing.”

Well, that was a relief. She wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but she was giving the medicine to the right cat at least. And watering my plants, too. I hadn’t asked her to do that. I didn’t really care about the plants that much. I liked having plants in my apartment, but I didn’t have much of a green thumb. My plants usually didn’t live very long. I was constantly throwing dead plants in the trash and replacing them with new ones. I didn’t even know which plant she was talking about. Which one was a geranium, and what the hell was an aphid?