Sassafras, Part 15


Joan



I know it’s hard to believe that somebody who can negotiate with millionaires and senators could become completely unhinged by just talking to a normal, ordinary man, but it seemed to happen to me every time. Maria had no idea how hard it was going to be for me to meet her at Chachi’s without breaking into hives all over my body. If I hadn’t already had a couple of beers before Rick bumped into me I wouldn’t have been able to put two words together. I still can’t believe the first thing I ever said to him was that in some Middle Eastern countries he would have to marry me. That must have been a line from an old movie that had been lurking in some hidden corner of my mind, just waiting for the right opportunity to embarrass me. I said it before I even realized I opened my mouth. Yeah, holy shit was right, I thought.

I expected him to leave me alone after that, but for some reason he kept talking to me. At first I had been nervous, but when I realized he just wanted to talk about Jenny, like everybody in the entire town, and wasn’t interested in me, I relaxed. He seemed like a really nice man. He was definitely nice to look at. He had short black hair, dark brown eyes, and a strong jaw. He had a mustache that was trimmed up nice and neat, not one of those big bushy overgrown ones, or one of those that hang down the sides of his mouth. He was the kind of man I just automatically assume is either married or gay. Not somebody I would ever have a chance with. He asked to buy me a drink to make up for spilling mine, and I decided to let him. I thought I would finish that beer about the same time he would run out of things to say about Jenny and we would both go our separate ways.

I never expected to actually enjoy talking to him. Maybe it was because we were at Tanner’s instead of some noisy, crowded club in New York, or maybe I should blame it on Budweiser, but I felt so comfortable talking with him I didn’t want to leave when I finished the beer he bought me. It was nice to be able to relax and not worry about work, or think about Jenny or Billy or Mom or all the hundreds of little details I was always juggling in my head. I actually laughed at something he said. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I laughed at something that I wasn’t watching on TV.

When Rick suggested we split a pitcher of beer I thought of what Maria said. I deserved to have a little fun. I was going to enjoy myself if it was the last thing I did. If a good-looking man wanted to have a couple of drinks with me who was I to argue? While we waited for the pitcher I decided to go use the restroom. I studied my reflection in the mirror while I washed my hands. I wasn’t bad looking. Sometimes men told me I was beautiful, but I knew they were just trying to get in my pants. Jenny had always been the good-looking one. Even Deana, with her red hair and big nose, was better looking than me. I thought about calling her and telling her I was at Tanner’s with the best looking man in Sassafras, but decided not to. What if she got here and he saw us both side by side. Would he still want to spend any time with me?

Once I started the What If game it started getting out of control. At work What If was what made me so successful. I could come up with ten different ways to market a building. What if it was a restaurant, a warehouse, a school, or an apartment building? But in my private life What If is what had kept me single all this time, and that night was no different. I started wondering what if he was married? What if he was just trying to get laid? What if he was just being nice to me because he knew Jenny? What if he had dated Jenny, and just wanted to see how the little sister compared? I finally told myself it didn’t really matter what if. Nothing was going to happen. All we were going to do was talk and drink a little beer. What if he got tired of waiting for me to come out of the restroom and left? That was what I should be worrying about.

When I walked out of the restroom I could see he wasn’t sitting in the booth. I thought maybe he decided to go to the restroom, too, but then when I got closer to the booth I saw the pitcher of beer, with one lonely mug sitting next to it. Nobody takes a glass of beer with them to the restroom. He was gone.

I can’t really describe the horrible empty feeling I got. I was completely crushed. When I was little, four or five, my mother took Jenny and me to a mall. Back then there were only two or three malls within 60 miles of Sassafras, but I don’t have any idea which one we went to. I saw a pet store with a bunch of puppies in the front, and stopped to watch them play. I don’t know how long I stood there watching them. One kept jumping up and licking where I had my little hands pressed against the glass. I turned around to tell Mom I wanted to take the puppy home and realized she was gone. I was all alone and I was terrified.

I was running around yelling for my mommy when a stranger picked me up. I was too little to know he was a mall security guard. I started screaming as loud as I could and kicking my legs so hard I lost both of my shoes. I screamed and screamed until I couldn’t scream any more, all that came out was a wheezy gasp. That poor man probably lost half the hearing in his right ear that day. I’m not sure where he took me, mall security or the customer service desk, maybe it was one of the stores in the mall, but suddenly I heard my mom call my name and felt her take me out of his arms. We were both crying. She sank down on the floor and held me in her lap, rocking back and forth.

When I thought Rick was gone I felt like that little girl again. It wasn’t just that he was gone, although that was part of it. Everybody was gone. My dad was dead, my mom might as well be, and now Jenny was gone, too. I was alone, just like that little girl so long ago, but this time I knew I was never going to find my mommy. No one loved me. No one cared if I lived or died. I was going to be alone forever. I started feeling light headed and dizzy so I sat down in the booth and put my head down on the table.

Imagine you’re drowning. In the seconds right before you die you feel somebody grab your hand and save your life. Take all the emotions you’re feeling then and multiply them by about a hundred and you would have an idea of what I felt when I heard Rick say my name and felt him sit down next to me. The next thing I knew he was holding me and I was crying for Jenny, and for myself, and for him. He held me in his arms until I couldn’t cry any more. Even after I stopped crying he held me, and I didn’t want him to ever let go.

Other men had put their arms around me, but this wasn’t the same. Eventually their hands would start roaming around, and sooner or later they would be groping my ass or my breasts. I felt Rick’s hands moving on my shoulder and up and down my back, but it almost felt like he was afraid to touch me, like he was trying to make each touch as soothing and gentle as possible, like he thought I was something precious and delicate that might shatter if he wasn’t careful. I slid my arm around his waist and closed my eyes, but couldn’t get comfortable. His shirt was wet where I had cried all over it, I needed to blow my nose, and I wanted a cigarette. Rick moved a little and told me to hold on, then leaned over, pressing me backwards. I grabbed onto his side, and felt his arm holding me, then he sat back down and handed me the napkin dispenser.

I sat up and blew my nose, but he kept his arm around me. It felt good, like it was supposed to be there. I wanted to say something to him, but couldn’t think of the right thing to say. When I was working I never had to search for words, but whenever things got personal I never knew what to say. ‘Thanks for not grabbing my ass’ didn’t sound quite right. I finally just settled on apologizing for crying all over him. He was very nice about it, but I felt like a fool. I told him I wanted to leave, but he convinced me to stay a little longer.