Part Two

Here's more of my story. Enjoy!


The Night From Hell, Continued

I pick the phone book up and flip through a couple of pages, but it’s too dark to see. When I get up to turn on the light I trip over the dog, who yelps and runs to the bedroom. I fall down and smack my shin on the coffee table. Cussing ensues.

I flip on the light and admire the artistic placement of dog tracks leading into the bedroom. The phone book is wet, and the pages stick together when I try to turn the pages. I find the number for the electric company and pick up the phone. Of course, it’s a recording.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated Electric. Our office hours are from 8 am until 5 pm Monday through Friday and 10 am until 3 pm Saturday. If you need assistance while our office is closed please choose a number from the following selections, and then press the pound button. Press one if you are having an electrical emergency. Press two if you are reporting an outage. Press….”

I press two.

“Thank you for reporting an outage. All operators are busy. Please hold for the next available operator.”

Kenny Rogers starts singing about poker strategy. I sit on the couch, trying to light my cigarette. Kenny finishes singing and is replaced by some country duet singing about their doomed love. When they finish and are replaced by Madonna I decide I’ve had enough and hang up. I decide to try again.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated Electric. Our office hours are from 8 am until 5 pm Monday through Friday and 10 am until 3 pm Saturday. If you need assistance while our office is closed please choose a number from the following selections, and then press the pound button. Press one if you are having an electrical emergency. Press two if you are reporting an outage. Press three if you have a question about your bill. Press four if….”

I press two.

“Thank you for reporting an outage. All operators are busy. Please hold for the next available operator.”

I enjoy the musical efforts of Air Supply and Elton John before I decide to hang up and try again.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated Electric. Our office hours are from 8 am until 5 pm Monday through Friday and 10 am until 3 pm Saturday. If you need assistance while our office is closed please choose a number from the following selections, and then press the pound button. Press one if you are having an electrical emergency. Press two if you…”

I decided to press one for a change.

“Thank you for calling Consolidated Electric. How may I assist you?”

I’m shocked that I am actually talking to a person and not listening to more Golden Oldies. “Yeah, my mom’s electric is out and she..”

“I’m sorry, this line is for electrical emergencies only. Please hang up and dial again, choosing the correct button for reporting an electrical outage. Thank you and have a nice day.”

“I called twice already..”

Click, the operator hung up on me before I could finish. I decided to try again.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated Electric. Our office hours are from 8 am until 5 pm Monday through Friday and 10 am until 3 pm Saturday. If you need assistance while our office is closed please choose a number from the following selections, and then press the pound button. Press one if you are having an electrical emergency. Press two if you are reporting an outage. Press three if you have a question about your bill. Press four if you would like an application to work at Consolidated Electric. Press five if you would like Spanish assistance.”

I try two again.

“Thank you for reporting an outage. All operators are busy. Please hold for the next available operator.”

I sit through four songs before I hang up. I dial again.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated Electric. Our office hours are from 8 am until 5 pm Monday through Friday and..”

I push one.

“Thank you for calling Consolidated Electric. How may I assist you?”

“Hi, my mom’s electric is out and I can’t get through on…”

“I’m sorry, this line is only for electrical emergencies. If you would like to report an outage you need to call back and push the button for reporting an electrical outage. Have a nice day.”

Click.

This is pissing me off. I finally get the lighter to work, but now my cigarette is wet. I go through the whole pack and find three that are dry. I light one and put the other two in the ashtray where they will stay dry. I dial again.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated Electric…”

I push two. Maybe I’ve spent my time in purgatory and will be able to reach the operator.

“Thank you for reporting an outage. All operators are busy. Please hold for the next available operator.”

I suffer through six songs from the good old days, finish my cigarette, and then suddenly, like a ray of sunshine, I hear a human voice.

“Thank you for calling Consolidated Electric. How may I assist you?”

Thank God, I think. “Yeah, my mom’s electric is out and she wanted me to call and see what’s up.”

“I’m sorry you’re having problems with your electric. What is your address, please?”

“Well, my address is 154 Glen Oak, but there isn’t any problem at my…”

“Thank you for reporting that outage. We’ll have a crew out to repair your electric as soon as possible. Have a nice day.”

Click.

Shit. I dial again.

“Thank you for choosing…”

I push two and wait. And wait. And wait. And wait some more. Finally I hang up and light another cigarette. By now I know the number by heart.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated…”

I push one.

“Thank you for calling Consolidated Electric. How may I assist you?”

“Yeah, I just called and the operator hung up on me before I could explain what was wrong.”

“I apologize for that. What is your address?”

“Well, my address is 154 Glen Oak, but I’m calling because my mom’s electric is out and she wanted…”

“I’m sorry, this number is for reporting electrical emergencies. If you are having an outage you need to call back and push correct button.”

“I know, I already…”

“Have a nice day.” Click.

Now I’m really getting pissed. I call back. I should put this number on speed dial.

“Thank you for choosing Consolidated…”

I push two, pick up my empty glass and walk into the kitchen. I fill my glass back up with water, grab a towel, and walk back into the living room. The phone book already soaked up most of the water, but I wiped up what was left.