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I knew it was going to be a bad day when I looked out the window and saw that damn space ship parked in my yard again. The last time those aliens landed their space ship in my yard it took two months for the grass to grow back. I put on my baseball cap and grabbed the only thing I could find laying around by the front door. Was it a baseball bat, or a nice iron fireplace poker? No, it was just a stupid umbrella, but at least I had something to wave in their faces. Maybe their big bubble heads are as soft as they look.

I guess they heard the door open because by the time I got around to their space ship two of them were already walking around the yard like they owned the place. The closest one turned to me and pointed his little ray gun at me. I think he about shit his little silver space suit when I didn't fall down and play dead. I started laughing and swinging that umbrella. They were running as fast as their bony little legs would go trying to keep away from me.

I was one step ahead of them this time. After the last time they showed up, or at least the last time I remember them showing up, I did a Google search on 'alien ray gun.' I had to wade through all kinds of crap about toy ray guns, movie ray gun replicas, and other crazy shit, but finally I found the antidote. It turns out all those crazy people are right. All I had to do was line my baseball cap with tin-foil.

I finally cornered them between the garage and my neighbor's privacy fence. I smacked them a few times with my umbrella, but they started crying and jabbering at me in whatever language they used. I started getting cocky. "Who's the man now?" I asked them, and smacked the closest one on it's bony ass. "Think you can just zap me with your ray gun and then do whatever you want? What do you feel like doing now?"

I guess I got a little too cocky. I know I shouldn't have taken off my baseball cap to show them the tin-foin lining. What was I thinking? The next thing I knew I was sitting in my car in my underwear. At least I was still in my driveway, not in a parking lot or drive-thru.

Never did find that umbrella.