Sassafras, Part 70

Rick


“What’s wrong?” She picked up her cigarettes and lighter and looked over at me.

“I forgot something. Again.”

“What?” she asked and then realized what I was talking about. “Shit.”

“Yeah, shit is right. I’m sorry, Joan. Tomorrow I have to go see my parole officer. You could go with me. We could stop at the hospital. They have that morning after pill. It’ll be okay.”

“But what if it’s already too late? I could already be pregnant. Would they even give me one of those pills?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they could find out if you are or not.”

“What if they say I am? What would you do?”

When I didn’t answer she pulled her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms protectively around her legs. “I don’t know what I would do, Joan. It’ll be okay. It doesn’t matter if you are or not.”

“Yes it does. It matters to me. You might not care….”

Nothing I said was coming out right. “I didn’t mean it like that. I do care.” I squeezed her shoulder and prayed for the right words. “I care about you, Joan. I care about everything that happens to you. There’s nothing more important to me than you. If you are pregnant I’ll do anything you want, no matter what you decide. If you’re not ready I’ll be there for you. You won’t be alone.”

“Is that what you want? To take me to a clinic somewhere and get rid of it?”

“No, that’s not what I want.” I slid closer to her and put my arm around her. “I’ll do anything for you, Joan, anything. No matter what you decide, I’ll be there for you.”

“But you don’t really want to have a baby, do you?”

“No.” As soon as I said that I felt her tense back up and move away from me. Shit. I’m such an ass. “I meant not right now, Joan. Not never. I’d like to get to know you better before we start picking baby names.”

“But what if it’s too late? What if I am? What would you do?”

“If it was all up to me? If you’re pregnant right now?” She nodded, but wouldn’t look at me. I felt horrible. It seemed like every time we were together I managed to make her cry somehow. Everything I said was wrong. I would be better off if I kept my mouth shut, but I knew I had to say something. I just didn’t know what to say. It had been so long since anybody cared what I wanted I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I would love it if you were going to have a baby.” I tried to tell myself I was just saying what I knew she wanted to hear, but as soon as I said it I knew it was the truth.

“No,” she said. “You’re lying.”

“I swear it’s the truth, Joan. I admit, I don’t want you to be pregnant. I would be lying if I said I did. But if you told me we were going to have a baby, I would be happy. I know I don’t deserve you, and I don’t have any idea why you put up with me, but I know I’ve never been as happy as I am when I’m with you. When I’m with you, I don’t feel like such a complete and total failure.”

“You’re not a failure. You just made a mistake.”

“A mistake. You don’t really know me, Joan. My whole life is a mistake.”

“You’re wrong. I do know you. You’re a good man.”

“You don’t know me. There are things you don’t know.”

“Then tell me. I want to know.”

“No you don’t. I don’t want you to know.” Now our rolls were reversed. I couldn’t stop staring at my hands, but I could feel Joan’s eyes studying my face. I finally took a deep breath and started talking. “I’m not a good man, Joan. I’ve never been a good man. I started hacking into people’s computers when I was just 15, but I didn’t really steal much. I just liked the challenge. I thought it was fun. And it wasn’t just hacking. I was nobody in school, but I could be anybody on the computer. All I had to do was make up a screen name and start lying. There were grown women begging to meet me. Or at least, begging to meet a rich plastic surgeon from Dallas, or a computer millionaire from Seattle, or whatever lie I was using that night.”

“Then when I got to college I realized I could pretend to be anybody I wanted to in real life, not just on the computer. Nobody knew who I really was, so I could be anybody. So, I acted like I was just another spoiled rich kid. Everybody liked me. I was popular. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was invisible. I was the life of the party, and college was just one long party. Before I knew it I was another spoiled rich kid. Just instead of running to Daddy every time something caught my eye I just got on the computer and stole it.”

Sassafras, Part 69


Rick


“God damn it!” In all the time I’d known Joan, which admittedly wasn’t all that long, I don’t think I had ever heard her say anything worse than shit. I looked over to see what was wrong. Joan was walking back from the kitchen with a couple of sodas.

“What happened?” I asked as she handed me a can.

She sighed and held her left hand in front of me. “I broke a nail opening my soda.”

“Oh, my God! Call 911! I thought it was something serious.”

“You obviously don’t know how much a manicure costs in Manhattan. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to learn to live without certain luxuries. No more manicures, no more slice and a Coke from Gino’s Pizza. No more dropping my laundry off at the cleaner on the corner by the subway station. I’m going to have to wash my own clothes," she pouted.

“I didn’t know you were so spoiled.”

“I’m not spoiled!”

“You said you were earlier. You never have to cook and you don’t even wash your own laundry, but you think you’re not spoiled?”

“Well, most of my work clothes are dry clean only. Besides, the apartment building I live in doesn’t have a laundry room, and there isn’t room in my apartment for even the smallest washer. I’m not going to spend two hours a week in some smelly laundry mat just to wash my pajamas.”

“Okay, maybe you’re not spoiled. Not very spoiled at least. Maybe just pampered.”

“Pampered? I should get my planner and show you a day in the life of Joan in New York. I don’t feel very pampered by the time I get home.”

“Well, you will be when you move here.”

“And how would you pamper me?”

“Oh, I don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

“I don’t guess you want to start by giving me a manicure?”

“Not unless you want it to look like a drunken monkey with epilepsy did it.”

“I don’t think so. Let me go look through Jenny’s stuff and see what she’s got. I’ll be right back.” She kissed me then stood up and walked down the hall. A few minutes later she came back and set a make-up bag on the coffee table. She pulled out a cotton ball and soaked it in nail polish remover. I remembered how irritated I used to get when Dana did her nails back when we were still living together. I used to throw a fit like a little baby because I didn’t like the smell of acetone. That was the reason I quit working in the wood shop in prison. That smell drove me crazy, but now it brought back memories of having a home, a family. It made the whole evening seem more complete, more whole. Like this was home, like she was really mine. Forever. I remembered sitting in the driveway, daydreaming about the same thing. Now, as I sat watching her turn each nail a deep red, I was starting to think it might really happen.

At least she wasn’t still worrying about my health. That had thrown me for a loop. She was the one whose life expectancy was in danger and she didn’t even know it. I needed to stop pretending everything was normal, stop just expecting everything to work out. I should have gone home as soon as I left Tanner’s and not left until I found out who Hollywood was. Instead I raced back to Joan’s house as fast as I could. And now I was sitting here, watching TV, like it was just any normal day. I needed to find out who Hollywood was. Why did he kill Jenny? Matt said she started swinging at Hollywood with a pool cue, like she started the fight, but why would she attack a county patrolman? That made even less sense than anything else I’d found out so far.

The ringing of the telephone shook me back to reality. Joan talked for a few minutes, then smiled as she walked back after hanging up the phone, leaned over and kissed me. Her hands on my shoulders pushed me back against the couch. That caught me by surprise. She sat straddling my lap and kissed me again. “I have wonderful news,” she whispered, leaving soft kisses in a slow trail to my ear. “That was Bill. The roads are so bad school’s closed tomorrow.”

That was supposed to be good news? I had been consoling myself with the thought of having Joan all to myself tomorrow while Bill was in school, but now we were going to have company all day. It wasn’t fair. Not fair at all. Definitely not wonderful news. And I don’t know if she was trying to drive me insane on purpose, but the way she was snuggled right up next to me was doing a good job of it. I bit back an unhappy sigh. “That’s great. What are the two of you going to do?”

“Well, Bill’s going to go sledding at the park with his friends. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.” She turned slightly to reach a spot on my neck. Maybe tomorrow wouldn’t be a total waste after all. “As a matter of fact, they want to leave so early in the morning he’s going to spend the night across the street.”

“Really?” Yes, now that I thought it over maybe a snow day was a good thing after all. Kissing her neck sounded like a good idea, too.

“Really. We’re going to be all alone, all night long. We can do anything we want.”

“Anything?” I ran my hands around her hips, pulling her closer so she could feel what was on my mind. It was time to start celebrating. Joan was staying. She was mine, all mine.

“Anything,” she purred in my ear. “Whatever you want. As long as you want me.”

Oh, I did. I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t think at all. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t need to. I turned, laying her down on the couch. Even with all our clothes on, the feel of her body against mine, her fingers unbuttoning my shirt, her legs wrapped around my waist, was almost unbearably wonderful. She pulled her shirt over her head, and the way she moved against me felt so good I could hardly breathe. I sat up and started unzipping my pants while she tugged off her sweatpants.

By the time I realized I forgot to put on a condom, again, it was too late. Way too late. We were both sweaty and exhausted, stretched out on the floor like a couple of lovesick teenagers with more hormones than brain cells. “Shit. Damn it,” I muttered and sat up, leaning against the couch, running my hand through my hair.

Sassafras, Part 68

Joan

“I remember that night now. Jenny had the flu or something. I was never the baby sitter type. Not until Billy was born at least. I don’t remember the popcorn, but I remember reading the story. I was in the speech and debate class at school, and there was a big contest coming up. I won a medal for reading that story. I was the only freshman that won anything. That was about a month before my dad died. He was so proud of me. He took me out to eat at this fancy restaurant that used to be downtown to celebrate, just the two of us. He gave me a necklace with a little silver heart. But then a month later he died. That was a long time ago.”

“How old were you?”

“14. It was horrible. Everything just fell apart. You would think somebody who sold insurance would have had insurance himself, wouldn't you? We couldn't afford it though. He was unemployed for a long time after the factory he worked at shut down. I can’t even remember the name of the factory anymore. They made baseball caps. At least they did until the factory went out of business."

"A lot of factories shut down. Some of the men who lost their jobs couldn’t handle it, especially after the unemployment ran out. There were a lot of funerals. I was only ten or eleven, maybe twelve. I didn’t understand at first. Not until I heard some boys at lunch talking about the last funeral. I didn’t even realize you could kill yourself until then. After that I was terrified to go to school because I was afraid to leave my dad alone. I thought I’d come home from school and he’d be dead. When he got a job selling insurance in Bond I thought everything would be okay, but one day I came home and Mom was sitting in the kitchen crying. He had a heart attack at work. He just died, just like that. All of a sudden he was gone.”

Rick turned and pulled me to him. That was so long ago. It shouldn’t still hurt so much, but it did. It was hard to believe Dad died 20 years ago. He was just about Rick's age. That was when I realized there was another nightmare possibility I hadn't even thought about. Forget about whether Rick was serious about me or just looking for a good time. The phrase serious as a heart attack leapt into my mind. Rick was no spring chicken. Sure, he seemed healthy, but what did I know. There was no guarantee that he would even be alive a year from now, or even a month from now, much less that we would still be together.

"Rick," I started, pulling back so I could see his face. Maybe he wasn't as old as I thought. "How old are you?"

"I'm 40." That wasn't good. I leaned back against him and tried to think logically but I kept having visions of Rick in Jenny's casket. What if I moved back here only to end up at another funeral?

"Dad was only 42," I whispered. That didn't mean anything. Rick could live to be 100 for all I knew. Just because my dad died young didn't mean Rick would. Rick was strong. He had muscles on top of muscles. He wouldn't die. He couldn't die. What if he died? What would I do then? What if, what if, what if.

"Joan?" I realized he said something but I didn't have any idea what it was. He lifted my chin, but I couldn't look at him. I tried, but I couldn't. I didn't want to start crying, and I was afraid if I looked in his eyes I wouldn't be able to stop it. Rick had already seen me cry more than he should have. I wasn't going to cry. I just wasn’t going to and that was that. Rick brushed his thumb across my cheek and I realized he wiped away a tear I hadn't even noticed. "Joan, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to me. I'm healthy as an ox, and twice as stubborn."

"But my dad…" I started.

"I'm not your dad. I'm not going to have a heart attack, Joan. I have a good heart. It's strong." He lifted my hand and pressed it against his chest. "Can’t you feel that, Joan? Can’t you feel it beating? Everything's going to be all right. Don't worry about me. My dad’s 68 and still works 50 hours a week and goes bowling on Wednesday. His dad was over 75 when he died."

I could feel his heart beating beneath my hand, steady and strong, but I couldn't stop worrying, no matter what Rick said. “I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose you.”

He pulled me closer and held me for a minute. “You aren’t going to lose me, Joan. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to leave, and I’m not going to die. You don’t need to worry about anything. You’re stuck with me. Unless you tell me to leave, I’m not going anywhere." He brushed my hair back and kissed my cheek. “You’re still worried, aren’t you? Nothing’s going to happen to me. You need to cheer up, Babe. Let’s have a smile.” He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. “Now where’s that smile?" He put his hand over mine and started sliding it down his chest. "Come on, Junebug,” he teased. “I'll let you hold my wiener."

“Rick!” I pulled my hand away, shocked that he would do that. Then I heard him laughing.

“Unless you don’t want to hold my wiener?” He was smiling, but I felt like my face was on fire. He was bad, but I had to admit it was funny. Finally I had to smile, too. After all, I did want to hold his wiener.

“No, I don’t want to hold your wiener. You keep that thing in your pants,” I instructed him, trying to look serious. He was impossible. Sometimes I swear he acts like he’s twelve years old.

If Only We Had Beaks

I had a day off today. They have been working me 6 days a week, so I usually enjoy my days off. Today I enjoyed a visit to the dentist. It feels kind of weird saying I enjoyed a visit to the dentist, but I was looking forward to getting a filling. A tooth had been starting to give me trouble a little while ago, so I went to the dentist a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, a filling was lose, or if you want to be a glass-half-empty person you could say my cavity got bigger. He gave me a temporary filling and told me if it worked to come back and get a permanent filling. If it didn't work I was going to have to go with the ever-popular root canal and crown combination. So you can see why I would enjoy getting a filling. The dentist seemed pleasantly surprised to have a patient eager for a filling.

Sassafras, Part 67

Joan

“Do you know what I got for Christmas last year? Nothing. Well, Jenny and Billy sent me a bunch of cookies. That was it. I bought myself that pearl necklace. I was walking to the subway from work on Christmas Eve and saw it in a window. I wanted something pretty, something that would make me feel special, and I knew nobody was going to get it for me but me. I had them wrap it up and even put a little bow on it. I didn’t open it until the day after Christmas because I just liked carrying it around. Besides, I knew what was in it.”

“I still have the little bow. I taped it to my front door, so I’d never forget if I want something it’s up to me to get it. Nobody cares what I want but me. You know, Bill even saw it when he gave me that tarot reading. What was it he said? I’m obsessed about my job and have to fight to get what I want. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to go back to New York.”

“Then stay here, Joan. Stay here with me.”

“I want to stay, Rick.”

“Then don’t leave.”

“Rick, you don’t understand….”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted. “You’re just afraid….” I pressed my fingers against his lips.

“Rick, will you just shut up and listen to me. I want to stay, Rick.” I stroked my fingers along his jaw, admiring how strong he was. Every time I saw him I absolutely turned to jelly. “I want to stay here. I want to stay with you.”

“You want to stay.” It came out somewhere between a statement and a question. “You’re staying? You’re serious?” Definitely questions.

“Just shut up and kiss me, Rick.”

“I like the way you think, woman.”

“I like the way you kiss.” I liked it a lot. When Rick kissed me, it made my toes curl. I didn’t ever want to stop, but who knew when Billy would be back. Eventually, we just curled up together watching the movie. I noticed Rick was smiling a lot, and I liked it. Then I noticed I was smiling a lot, too.

“You know, I saw the president of your fan club today,” Rick said.

“Oh? Look in the mirror did you?”

“No. Tony.”

“Tony? Tony from last night? Tony Bellamy?”

“Yeah, Tony. He had a crush on you when he was little. He said you were his babysitter.”

”No,” she shook her head. “He’s thinking about Jenny, not me.”

“No, he was talking about you. He had some pretty unflattering things to say about your sister though. He said you only came over once, when she was sick. You made popcorn and read a story to him and his sister.”

“Good Lord, I can’t believe he remembered that.”

“You made quite an impression. You still do.”

Cramping My Style

One of the things I miss about working in that factory was being able to work without actually thinking about what I was doing. I finally figured out I could do something close at work. We aren't supposed to, but I have been reading while I work. I'm a fast reader, and I can read a lot in the second or two between calls. It really made the day go faster. Sometimes I got so interested in the book I was reading I would look up at the clock and realize it was already time to go on break, or that I should have already gone back to work. Even with the side reading, I was still doing so well at work I just got a test call that said I am Outstanding, a balloon, a candy bar, a box of TicTacs, and I'm going to have a cubicle reserved just for me for this whole week.

Unfortunately, the managers really don't like you to read while you work. For some reason they think you should pay complete attention to the customers. Whatever. But the other day one of the team leaders talked to me and made me put away my book. She said they were going to be giving people warnings and then I guess write people up and who knows, maybe fire them. Not going to be me. I have been good since then. It's hard, but I have been limiting my reading to my breaks. It's just so hard. A book that could have taken a couple of days might drag out for a week. And the worse thing is my neighbor just gave me two plastic grocery bags full of books. The rate I'm going it will take me the rest of the year to read them.

Sassafras, Part 66

Joan


I was sitting next to Rick on the couch, leaning up next to him. It felt nice having his arm around me, his heart beating against my cheek. I don’t think I had ever felt so comfortable and relaxed. “Do you have to leave soon? Or can you stay? We could watch TV or something.”

He slid down into the couch, pulling me with him. “No, I don’t have to leave yet.” We looked through the TV guide but there wasn’t much to choose from. Jenny didn’t have cable or satellite, just local TV. We finally picked an old Bruce Willis movie from a pile of videos on top of the DVR. It was nice just sitting there with him, watching TV and talking. I would have probably enjoyed a root canal if Rick was around.

No one had ever been as nice to me as he was. No one had ever done as much for me. He drove me home from Tanner’s when I was feeling no pain, even though he barely knew me. He stayed with me when I was worried about Bill, even though he had never even met Bill. He even fixed my car in the middle of the night, and then again in the snow. He came to Jenny’s funeral even though he should have been at work.

“You didn’t hear anything I said, did you?” He was looking at me funny, and I realized he must have asked me a question.

“No. Sorry. What did you say?”

“It was nothing. Is something wrong?”

“No.” He lifted his eyebrows. “It’s nothing. Oh, really, it’s nothing,” I insisted, but he wouldn’t look away. “I was just thinking. Do you know what’s the nicest, most romantic thing anybody’s ever done for me? The one thing that I’ll never forget? It was today, when you went to Jenny’s funeral. You didn’t have to go. You had every excuse in the book not to go. But you did. When I saw you, it was like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one. Can you believe that? The high light of my romantic life so far is Jenny’s funeral. Not a romantic weekend at some exotic place. Nobody ever gave me a new car or showered me with jewels. Nobody ever sent me flowers or candy. I never even got a Valentine’s Day card.”

“Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like nobody ever gave me anything, just never anything I wanted. I remember in college once my boyfriend got concert tickets for my birthday. To a band I didn’t like. And the concert was on a Thursday night, when he knew I had a biology lab. The day before the concert he asked for my ticket back. He said since I couldn’t go he was going to take his roommate. I wouldn’t have minded that, but his roommate was my lab partner. That was how I met him in the first place. His roommate was going to be busy with me dissecting a baby pig. Then he had the nerve to act upset because I didn’t believe him. I shudder to think of how long I would have dated him if he had just been a better liar.”

“And then there was the man I dated for a short time in New York. He said he wanted to take me out for a romantic dinner for Valentine’s Day. At his mother’s house. She actually ate dinner with us. I never really understood what surreal meant until then. It was soooo weird. Definitely not romantic.”

I couldn’t believe I was telling Rick all this. If I didn’t shut up he was going to realize what a mistake it was to have anything to do with me, but for some reason I couldn’t stop talking. It wasn’t like talking about all this made me feel any better, either. Actually it made me feel worse. Everything seemed to crystallize in my mind. My whole life had been one mistake after another, one loser after another sucking all the joy out of my life.

Sassafras, Part 65


Joan

I was happy. It was a wonderful feeling. I managed to cook dinner, and it was good. Even Billy liked the tacos. I sat back and watched Rick fix what must have been his seventh or eighth taco. Everything seemed to be going right all of a sudden. Billy wasn’t mad at me anymore. He was even getting along with Rick now. I was glad Billy hadn’t mentioned anything about Rick moving in, but part of me wondered what Rick would have said. What would he say if I asked him?

I couldn’t believe how much had changed in just a few days. How could I even be thinking about moving back to Sassafras? Had I completely lost my mind? Or would it be crazy to go back to New York, to drag Billy along with me and leave Rick behind? As much as I liked to think Billy would learn to love New York, I had to admit that might never happen. And what about Rick? I wouldn’t be able to just walk away from him and pretend everything was okay. As much as I loved New York, I would rather stay here with Rick. Of course, if I had my way both of them would move to New York with me.

“That was delicious,” Rick said when I joined him on the couch after clearing the table.

“It was good, wasn’t it? You know, I can’t even remember when was the last time I cooked anything but cookies or Ramen Noodles. I always just grab some take-out on the way home or have something delivered. The only time I ever eat with anybody but my cats is when I go out with clients from work. How could I be such a looser and never even notice?”

“You’re not a looser. You just had more important things to do than cook.” He leaned back and put his arm around me, pulling me up next to him.

“Yeah, more important things. Like convincing one rich man to buy a building from another rich man. It’s not like I was searching for a cure for AIDS or fighting for world peace.”

“But were you happy? That’s all that really matters.”

“I thought I was. Now, when I think about New York, it’s empty. Like New York is hollow. There’s nothing inside.”

“What about when you think about Sassafras? What do you feel then?”

“Convenient,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“Convenient? What do you mean?”

I looked away and sighed. “It’s a long story.”

”We’ve got all night.”

He wasn’t going to let this drop until I relived the whole painful ordeal. I wished I’d kept my mouth shut, said something else. I should have told him thinking about Sassafras left me breathless and excited. I knew that was what he wanted to hear, but that wasn’t the truth. Breathless, yes. Excited, no. More like terrified, worried, maybe even a little nauseous.

“I’m convenient. That’s what Justin, my first boyfriend said. At least, I thought he was my boyfriend. Turns out I was wrong. We used to study together in college. One night he just leaned over and kissed me while we were studying. I was overjoyed. He loved me. At least, that was what I thought. Of course he loved me. Why would he kiss me if he didn’t love me? Sure, he never actually said he loved me, but guys don’t like talking about their feelings and emotions, right? After that we started studying less and less and making out more and more.”

“I had never been so happy in my life. I would have done anything for him. I did, you know, do anything for him.” I still remember that night. What should have been the most romantic moment of my life ended up being an awkward 20 minutes in the back seat of a Monte Carlo. I didn’t tell Justin it was my first time. I didn’t want him to think I was some kind of freak. I don’t know why I thought still being a virgin when I was 20 made me somehow defective.

“About three days later I found out he had a real girlfriend. I was completely devastated. I told him I loved him and he laughed at me. He called me a slut and said he had never really been attracted to me, he was just bored while his girlfriend was at work. I had just been convenient. Lucky me. Convenient. I can’t stand that word. Just saying it makes me feel sick.”

“My love life never really got much better after that. Sooner or later I always realized I was just convenient. After the last sorry excuse for a boyfriend I promised myself I wouldn’t be such a pushover any more. The only person with any business down there was my gynecologist.”

“And then I met you. I barely knew you 24 hours and we were in bed. So much for love and commitment and respect. But I’m not complaining. I wanted you. I remember when I saw you at Tanner’s, I thought you were the most perfect man I’d ever seen. And then you turned out to be so funny and nice. Even more perfect. But now, I don’t know. Deep down, I still feel convenient, like the only reason you’re here is because you don’t have anything better to do. What if I’m right? What if I move back here and then discover you aren’t as perfect as I thought? What if I am just convenient?”

“Don’t worry, Babe. I’m nowhere near perfect, but you’re not convenient. I’m here because this is where I want to be more than anywhere else in the world. Right here with you.”

“That’s nice to hear,” I began, trying to choose my words carefully. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. “I guess I’m like one of those girls with an eating disorder. No matter how many times you tell them they’re skinny they still feel like they’re fat. It doesn’t matter what you say, deep down, I don’t believe you. I feel convenient. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, it’s how I feel. Nothing you could say will change that.”

“I would never lie to you, Joan. There has to be something I can do to change your mind.”

All I could do was shrug. I couldn’t look at him. I just sat there staring at my hands. He was nice. I knew he wasn’t another lying rat bastard. I knew I was wrong. But I still felt, convenient.

“You still think you’re just some woman I picked up, don’t you? If I just wanted a random piece of ass, I wouldn’t care if you left or not. The idea of you going back to New York wouldn’t bother me so much.” He put his hand over mine and squeezed them. “How many times do I have to tell you...”

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” I interrupted. “Don’t you understand? There’s nothing you can say. It’s not something you can just make go away. You can’t fix this.”

“Yes, I can.”

“How?”

“I don’t know.” He was silent for a minute. “There has to be something I can do.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Just do me a favor and don’t turn into a rat bastard, okay? I’ve had enough lying weasels to last a lifetime already.”

“I can do that.”

“Thank you. I’d really like this to be a rodent free zone.”

“I’ll try to keep that in mind.”

Sassafras, Part 64

Rick


“Okay,” Joan nodded, then looked at me. “What’s something you can’t do?” she asked. “Something you want to do but never have?”

“Ride a roller coaster. I’ve always wanted to ride a roller coaster.”

“You never rode a roller coaster? Did you grow up on Mars or something?”

“No. I keep imagining the little carts coming off the track and flying through the air. Or the people just falling out of them, or the whole damn thing collapsing. Roller coasters are just wrong.”

“Oh, I love roller coasters. There’s just something about all the twists and turns and dips, the sudden feeling of weightlessness. It’s magic. When I was little my family used to go to Six Flags near St. Louis every summer. At least, we did until my dad died. We never went after that. This summer we’ll go to Six Flags. If I’m still here. If I’m in New York, I’ll take you to Coney Island and we can ride the Cyclone. The best roller coaster in the world. If you can ever come to New York.”

“Let’s just plan on Six Flags for now. How about you? What’s something you’ve always dreamed about?”

“I’d like to ride a horse. I mean really ride, not just sit on a horse while some guy leads it around in a circle. Go fast and jump over things.”

“I can’t believe you grew up in the country and never rode a horse!”

“I grew up here in town. You act like I was running around barefoot on a farm with a bunch of pigs and chickens. I was a city kid. The closest I ever got to a horse was reading Black Beauty.”

“You don’t know what you missed. I spent summers with my cousins on a farm near Topeka. We rode horses all the time. My mom still has a picture of me when I was about four or five sitting on this giant white horse. I think her name was Annabelle.” Joan got the funniest look on her face, then I noticed Bill and Joan were both staring at me.

“I guess you were naked?” Joan asked.

“Of course. How did you know?”

“Do you think I should go ahead and unpack right now?” Joan asked Bill.

“You might as well wait until after dinner.”

“What are you two talking about?”

Instead of answering Bill walked into the living room. When he came back he had a deck of cards. He picked one out and handed it to me. “Does the picture look anything like this?”

“Well, I was never blonde, but yeah, that’s pretty close.” I noticed the bottom of the card had The Sun printed on it. “Is this the card you were talking about earlier?”

“Yeah, that was the one card in the reading I couldn’t figure out, and it was the one that was supposed to show why Aunt Jo would decide to stay in New York or move back here. So I guess you’re staying, huh Aunt Jo?”

“I guess so. I don’t want to fight fate. Besides, I like the idea of dating royalty.”

“Royalty?” I asked.

Bill flipped through the deck and started putting cards down on the table. “These two represented Sassafras. You’re the king, just like Elvis.”

”Oh, my God,” Joan said. “You’re my dog, too.” She pointed to the card with The Moon printed on the bottom. “When I called Maria and told her I met somebody she asked if I met a man. I told her no, I met a German Shepherd. She said I should rub your belly.”

“Dude, she just called you a dog.”

“Yeah, I know. I have this uncontrollable urge to scratch myself all of a sudden.”

Joan stuck her tongue out at me. “Very funny." She closed her eyes and pressed her hand to her forehead. "I see a flea bath in your future.”

The phone rang and Bill jumped up to get it. “Really? Yes! Okay, yeah. I don’t know, let me ask. Hey, Aunt Jo, can I go over to Scott’s and play X-box for a while?”

“I guess. Are you going to school tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he grumbled then spoke into the phone. “Yeah. I’ll be over in a minute.” He put on his coat and started walking to the door. “Bye, Aunt Jo. See ya later, Elvis.”

Sassafras, Part 63


Rick

Now at least I knew Hollywood was one of the cops. That narrowed it down a little. Surely there would be a record of someone ending up with a broken arm after a bar fight at Tanner’s over the summer. I wondered if Hollywood was the man in the picture on Jenny's computer. Matt said he had to go back in and start working, so I walked back to my car and left. I thought about going back to my apartment and trying to find out who Hollywood was. Looking back, I should have, but I was in such a hurry to get back to Joan I couldn’t think of anything else.

On the way back to Joan’s I thought about what I should tell her. I didn't like lying to her, but I couldn't tell her what he said. If I told her he said anything she would want to come down and give him the third degree herself, and then he would realize I didn’t really know anything, so I decied to tell her Matt didn't know anything. I hoped she believed me and would stay away from him. Boyd on the other hand, I couldn’t wait to call. Unfortunately, I just got his voicemail. I left a message telling him what Matt said, but I didn’t know when he would get it. Probably not until Monday morning. Damn.

I sat in the driveway of Joan’s house for a couple of minutes, just admiring the view. Joan’s house was covered with snow like a little gingerbread house. The storm made it so dark the streetlights were already on, and everything glowed, even the falling snow. Light shone through the windows, making the little plastic ghosts hanging in the trees shine. Everything looked perfect. And the best part was Joan was in there somewhere, waiting for me. I couldn’t believe how close to perfect my life suddenly seemed. All I had to do was find out who this Hollywood character was, then get Boyd to wrap everything up and cut me loose. As long as I could get Joan to stay away from Matt until then everything would be fine. If I couldn’t, welcome to Hell.

Dinner was ready when Joan answered the door. We sat around fixing our tacos and talking.

“What did Matt say about Jenny?”

“Nothing,” I said. “He barely remembered her being in there that night. He said she had a couple of beers and then just disappeared. He’s not even sure when she left, but he said he didn’t think she was drunk when she left. Sorry. Why don’t I see if I can get a look at the official police file on the accident the next time I’m in the station and see if there’s anything they’re overlooking?”

“That would be great,” Joan agreed. “I was just hoping we would find something out from Matt tonight. Maybe I’ll talk to him next time I see him.”

“No, don’t bother, Joan. He didn’t see anything. She just had a few drinks and then left. Something must have happened to her after she left Tanner’s.” She was like a dog with a bone, not going to let go without a fight. ‘Please, Joan,’ I silently begged, ‘let it go. Don’t get all Nancy Drew on me. Just say Yes, Dear, and drop it like a good girl.'

“Well, maybe he remembers who left right after Jenny, or right before she did.”

That didn’t sound very much like Yes, Dear, to me. Shit. “I already asked him that. I told you, he doesn’t even remember when she left. He doesn’t have any idea who left before or after her. It’s just a dead end.”

“But,” she started arguing.

“Don’t worry. Trust me, we’ll find out what happened. You just need to be patient. I’ll stop at the police station tomorrow on the way home from seeing my parole officer and see what I can find. Just relax. Let me help you.”

“This is all so frustrating. I’m no good at being patient.”

“Well, what are you good at? What hidden talents do you have?”

Joan thought for a minute. “I’m ambidextrous,” she finally announced. “I can write two different things with both hands at the same time. Plus I can read things that are upside down. What can you do?”

“I can speak Italian and French. My grandmother was from Italy. She lived with us until I was about 11. She taught me Italian, and how to juggle. I was so mad when I found out there wasn’t an Italian class in high school, just Spanish or French. What can you do, Bill?”

“I can’t do anything.”

“Sure you can. Everybody can do something.”

”He can read tarot cards,” Joan said. “He’s good, too. He gave me a reading last night that just about convinced me to move back to Sassafras. You should have him give you a reading after dinner.”

I wondered if he was really as good as Joan said. “Oh, no. Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want a reading.”

“Oh, you’re no fun.”

”That’s okay, Aunt Jo. If he doesn’t want a reading it’s no big deal.”

“Hmm. I smell chicken,” she said.

“I’m not chicken, I just don’t think anybody can see the future.”

“Well, I liked my reading, Bill. I just wish it had come right out and tell me if I should move back here or not. I’m still trying to figure out what the Sun card means. I didn’t see the sun at all today, or any horses, with or without babies.”

“Give it a couple of days. If you don’t figure it out by Tuesday or Wednesday I’ll give you another reading.”

It's NOT All About Sassafras--
Not Any More!

The Daily Cud's webmaster Ruth proclaims, "Oh, who am I kidding? It's all about Sassafras now."

Well, I'm here to tell you it ain't so! I'm going to get off my fanny and start posting again. Starting with-- (Ta Da!) --


MY EARWORM

In case you don't know, an earworm is something--usually a song or a jingle--that enters your brain through your ear and you can't get rid of it. Just about everybody has had this experience. You don't want to think of the stupid song, but you can't help yourself. Also known as "stuck tune syndrome," it is an annoying presence that, try though you may, you can't get rid of. You'll be driving along, or making lunch, or trying to work at something--and there it is, buzzing in your head and driving you crazy.

My current earworm is Camptown Races. I don't know why, because I haven't heard this old Stephen Foster folk song in eons. Nobody sings it any more because it is (ahem!) blatantly racist:

De Camptown Ladies sing dis song. Doo dah, doo dah!
Camptown racetrack five miles long. Oh, doo dah day!
Gwine to run all night! Gwine to run all day!
I bet my money on de bobtail nag! Somebody bet on de bay!

And on and on. I forget the rest, which is probably a blessing. But according to one theory, that is part of the reason the earworm persists. You can't remember the rest of the song, so you obsess over the part you do remember. One way of getting rid of it, supposedly, is to get the entire lyrics and read them and then you can finally get released from your obsession.

I decided to try it, so I Googled "Camptown Races." Bad idea! Yes, I did find the entire lyrics. But I also found a link to a website (http://www.brunching.com/camptownraces.html) that made the earworm bore even deeper into my mind (or what is left of it) and--worse--multiply itself madly and drive me even crazier.

Twelve Actual AP Headlines Which, When Followed By 'Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah,' Can Be Sung To The Tune of 'Camptown Races'

Man in Wheelchair Killed by Train
Britain Plans Pre-Emptive Cull
CBS Wins Ratings Week
Study: Measles Vaccine Safe
Cop Charged With Accepting Bribe
Devils 3, Coyotes 2
Woman Charged in Daughter's DeathSharon heads to Washington -->
German Super-Union Cleared
Feds Have Room For More Rate Cuts
Census Details at a Glance
Workers Strike at Nursing Homes
Bush to Parents: Love Your Kids

Now I can't even read my newspaper without singing the headlines under my breath and muttering, "Doo dah! Doo dah!"

Try it! It works!

"Budget Woes Threaten Army Posts" Doo dah! Doo dah!
"Woman Forced off Road and Raped" Doo dah! Doo dah!
"Pantex Updates Nuclear Bomb" Doo dah! Doo dah!

I guess I'm doomed.

Gwine to run all day! Gwine to run all night!
It's in my brain and it won't get out!
Oh, doo dah day!