RIP Good Buddy

Well, it's official. Buddy's gone. He died this afternoon about 3. He never did recover from falling in the living room Friday night. He got up and made it to the bedroom that night, but then Saturday he flopped in the kitchen and stayed there. The Man and The Girl got him up and took him outside, and that was the last time he got up. We tried to get him up but he just couldn't stand up. He never got up yesterday or today at all. He was just too old and wore out and weak to do anything. Our neighbor's dad is a vet, and we were trying to get him to come out and give him a shot to put him to sleep, but we didn't need him after all. If this had happened any other time, like if he collapsed tonight and couldn't get up tomorrow we would take him to the vet right away, but I don't think our vet would be working on a holiday weekend.

I don't know if Buddy really suffered much. He never acted like he was hurting, except around noon when he acted like he wasn't comfortable, rolling over onto his stomach and then flopping down on his side over and over. About 2 he started drooling really gross mucus, then threw up some blood and then just lay there. He felt funny, too, his back was stiff like he was already dead, but he was still moving his legs and breathing. I'm not sure how alive he really was by then. He started smelling really bad, too. I mean rank. Needless to say the kitchen floor had to be leaned a couple of times since Saturday. I was glad he was on the linoleum instead of the carpet. Watching my dog die was not the way I planned to spend my holiday.

Sassafras, Part 53

Joan


I picked up the King of Swords card and looked at it. It didn’t look like Rick, but Billy’s description was pretty close. “Well, I still don’t know if I should stay in New York or move back here. I guess I won’t know until I figure out what the Sun card is trying to say.” I put down the king and picked up the Sun card. A naked blond baby was riding a big white horse, smiling and waving.

“I could tell you what to do. You should move back here. Because I’m not moving to New York.”

“Billy,” I started and caught myself. “Bill, you know you can’t stay here by yourself. I think you would like New York once you got used to it. You have your whole future to think about. There isn’t any future here. Just a bunch of dead end jobs. In New York you could do anything.”

“But I already know what I want to do. When I get out of high school I’m going to join the Marines, just like Dad. Then when I get out I’m going to go to college. I don’t need to move to New York and I don’t want to move to New York and I’m not going to move to New York.”

“Oh, Bill, you’re as stubborn as your father was. Once he made his mind up you might as well forget about him doing anything else.” This wasn’t going as well as I hoped. Even the cards were on his side. Maybe they were right. “You still can’t stay here by yourself. I know you think you can, or that you can just move in with the Kennedy’s. Having you come over and spend the night is one thing, but that doesn’t mean they want you to move in. They already have four kids living there, plus one away at college.”

“Well, if I can’t stay here by myself, I’ll get a roommate.”

“A roommate? Who? Steve or Scott?”

“Actually, I was thinking about asking Rick.”

That stunned me. Holy crap. “Rick? You want Rick to move in here? I didn’t think you even liked him. Last night you wanted to kick his ass. What did he say to you tonight that changed your mind?”

“Nothing really. It just seems like the King of Swords would make a good roommate. He’s dependable, honest, likes to joke around but not a big party animal. Wouldn’t you like him to move in?”

Yes, I would. “I don’t know. I don’t really know him that well.” What kind of game was Billy playing? Was this was some kind of trick to get me to let him stay, or to convince me to move back here? “You can’t ask Rick to move in.”

“Why not? Don’t you like him?”

“I barely know him. You don’t even know him as well as I do.”

“Is there anything wrong with him? Is he an alcoholic or drug addict? Did he hit you? Does he have a limp? What?”

“No, there’s nothing wrong with him. He has all his teeth and that’s his real hair.” This wasn’t going my way at all. I was getting confused. Why was Rick suddenly Billy’s best friend? He wouldn’t really ask him to move in, would he? Would Rick move in if Billy asked him? And why was I trying to talk him out of it? “You just can’t ask him to move in.”

“Why? He’s a responsible adult. He has a job and his own car. You said there wasn’t anything wrong with him. He sounds like a good roommate to me. If he moved in here you could go back to New York and not have to worry about me.”

“I’m not going to New York and leaving you here, I don’t care who you get for a roommate.”

“Then I guess you’re moving to Sassafras because I’m not moving to New York.”

“I’m not going to argue about this with you.” I thought about the promise I made Rick to think about staying. If I was going to think about it I might as well start now. “Look, Bill, if you really want to stay here you need to work with me, not argue with me. Why don’t we make a deal? I’ll get a paper tomorrow and go through the help wanted ads and see if I can find a job. I’ll look for a week, but while I’m looking for a job you do some work around the house to get it ready to sell. Just simple stuff like clean up the yard, maybe touch up the paint, stuff like that. I’ll try to find a job, and if I do, I’ll move back here, but if I can’t find a job there’s no way we can afford to stay here. You would have to move to New York with me. I know you don’t want to, but you don’t always get to do what you want. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like.”

He picked up the cards and shuffled them in silence for a minute. “You’ll really look for a job? You’re not just saying that?”

“I’ll really look for a job. I don’t know if I’ll find one, but I’ll look. Is it a deal?”

He turned over a card and sighed. A man with a back full of swords lies in a pool of blood. “Okay, it’s a deal. After all, I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

I pointed at the picture. “Is that how you feel? Am I stabbing you in the back?”

“No, it’s not you. It’s everything. I miss Mom. I need to know what happened, and if we go to New York I’ll never know. It feels like we’re giving up, like you don’t care.”

“I do care, Bill. I know how you feel. I want to find out what happened to her, but we might never know. Maybe the police are right. Maybe it was just an accident. I don’t know. Tomorrow Rick’s going to talk to the bartender who was working the night she died. If he doesn’t find out anything I’ll go to the police station Monday and rattle their cage. I don’t know what else to do. I tried talking to people at the wake, but it didn’t do any good. Nobody knows anything, or at least nobody’s saying anything.”

A Close Call

I think Buddy's getting closer to that big dog house in the sky. Last night when I let him back inside before we went to bed he started circling the livingroom, looking like he was about to drop a load or hurl up something gross and chunky. Then suddenly he just dropped to the floor like a rock. It was like gravity just trippled and he couldn't stand up a second longer. He couldn't even hold his head up, he just lay there, limp. He didn't move or anything for the longest time, just lay there kind of hunched up and panting. Eventually, he lifted his head and moved around a little so he was more comfortable. He usually follows us to the bedroom and sleep at the foot of our bed, but last night he just lay right there where he fell.

I couldn't sleep for some reason. After a while I gave up and went back into the livingroom and laid down on the floor next to him and petted him and talked to him for a while. I was convinced he wasn't going to be breathing when I got up in the morning and wanted to say goodbye to him. I thought about just sleeping there next to him, but he seemed to be comfortable. He might even have been sleeping, I couldn't tell in the dark, so I decided to go back to bed. Later on I heard his claws clitter clattering as he walked into the bedroom. I was glad he was able to get up on his own.

Today The Man and The Girl helped him go outside, but he just stood there for a few minutes looking around and then walked back inside. He's had hotdogs and bratwursts for dinner, and he's drinking, so maybe he's going to make it, at least another week or two. I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want to put him to sleep, so I'm kind of hoping he'll just die quietly in his sleep one day. I'm just glad it didn't have to be today.

Sassafras, Part 52

Joan

I stood in the doorway and watched Rick drive away. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said before he left. We could move anywhere in Missouri. We could move. We. He said we. That may not sound like much, but that was the first time I started thinking there might really be a we, if that makes sense. I couldn’t deny I had been attracted to him from the moment I saw him, and the more I was with him the more I liked him, but I never expected anything permanent. Hoped, maybe. Expected, no. I just knew better. There was me and there was Rick, but there wasn’t us. But he said we. He just assumed we. His glass was half full, and my glass was half empty. I think my glass might even be cracked and leaking.

Of course, there was another word he hadn’t said. He never said he loved me. Actually, he never even said he liked me that I could remember. Just that he wanted me. I didn’t think he was using me, but that didn’t mean anything. That was the way most of my relationships turned out. It would gradually dawn on me that the guy I thought was so perfect had somehow turned into a complete asshole. But Rick wasn’t like that. At least I hoped he wasn’t. I just didn’t know if I was brave enough to take a chance. I’d been wrong before. Every time. Every damn time. It made me wonder if I was cursed.

I don’t know how long I stood there in the doorway, staring at nothing, before I closed the door and turned around. Billy was sitting at the kitchen table, cards spread out in front of him. I put a coffee mug in the microwave and got down a box of herb tea. “What are you doing?”

“I’m doing a tarot reading.”

“Are those tarot cards?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. I didn’t know you could read cards.”

“Mom taught me. She said I was a natural. She has four or five decks.” He stopped smiling and picked up the cards. “She had four or five decks. This one was her favorite.”

“Can I look at it?”

“Sure. I could give you a reading if you’d like.”

“Neat! I never had a tarot reading. Do I need to do anything?”

He handed me the deck. “Think about a question. Try to make it a simple question. If it’s too complicated the reading won’t make any sense.”

“Do I have to tell you the question?”

”You don’t have to, but it would be better if you did. I might be able to think of a better way to ask it. Plus, there are some questions Mom said you shouldn’t ask, like things about other people. She said that was an invasion of privacy.”

“Okay, how about who killed your mom?”

“No, that’s what I was just asking about, but the cards didn’t make any sense, and you can’t just keep asking the same question over and over until you like the reading you get.”

“How about should I stay in New York or move back here?”

“Okay, that would work. Let me think of a spread.” He flipped over a page in a small notebook and wrote down my question, then jotted numbers across the bottom of the page. Next to each number he wrote a word or two.

“Alright, concentrate on your question and start shuffling the cards. Stop whenever you feel like it and put down the deck.” It was kind of hard to shuffle the cards. They were bigger than regular playing cards, and didn’t fit in my hands very well. I only shuffled a few times then set the cards down. “Okay, now cut the deck into three piles.” He picked the cards back up and put five of them on the table.

“There are three Major Arcana cards and a court card. That’s a lot for a five card spread, so that means this is an important decision. The Devil and the Seven of Wands represent New York. That isn’t all bad. It means that you are really dedicated to what you do, almost to the point of obsession, but you have to fight to get what you want. The Moon and the King of Swords represent Sassafras. Mom used to love getting the Moon card. She said it always made her think of romantic moonlit nights. That’s not the traditional meaning, but in this deck there’s a dog and a wolf, and she said she always thought about that old Disney movie, the Lady and the Tramp. Plus there’s a king in Sassafras.” He looked at me for a second and raised his eyebrows. “I wonder who the cards could be talking about?”

I was pretty impressed with the cards so far. That hadn’t really told me anything I didn’t already know, but still, it was right on the money. I never believed in things like tarot cards and horoscopes before, but this was almost spooky. Of course, I didn’t know what the cards meant. He could just be telling me a line of bull to try to convince me to move back to Sassafras.

”I’m not sure about the last card, the Sun. It’s supposed to show something that will help you decide which choice is better. The Sun can mean energy and optimism, everything going your way. I don’t know. I’m just not sure about this card. It feels hazy. The rest of the cards were easy to understand, their meanings jumped right out at me, but this card is holding back something. It’s hard to explain. Mom said I was a natural, I could feel the cards, but I can’t feel this card. Usually when a card is stubborn like this later on something happens and it suddenly makes sense. Just keep your eyes out for anything sunny.”

“Or a naked baby riding a horse, I guess?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think you’ll see a naked baby on a horse in New York or Sassafras. What do you think of your reading?”

“I liked it. Tell me more about my king.”

“Well, he’s a smart man. He’s not a real emotional, romantic man, he’s more the practical, logical sort. He likes to talk his way out of problems instead of fighting. He’s probably a Libra, Aquarius, or Gemini. He’s a good man to go to for advice, because he’ll be able to see all sides of the problem and probably come up with a couple of different solutions. He’s also got a good imagination, and a good sense of humor, so he could be the life of the party, telling jokes and making people laugh. Does that sound like anybody you know?”

I could swear I saw him try not to smile. “You’re just making all this up, aren’t you?”

“No, I swear. You shuffled the deck. I can get one of Mom’s books and show you what it says about these cards. Except the meaning for the Moon card wouldn’t be the same as the meaning in the book. You don’t have to believe this if you don’t want to, but I didn’t make it up.”

And The Winner Is

Sunday we went to The Girl's high school graduation. I tried to remember my graduation, but honestly I can't remember anything at all about it except the dress I wore, which is strange because I'm not exactly into fashion. I would be perfectly happy with a wardrobe of nothing but t-shirts and blue jeans. We were very happy to see The Girl get her diploma. Her mom also went to the graduation, but I didn't see her. She told The Girl that we ruined her life when they talked on the phone a week or two ago. She doesn't like us very much. Whatever.

So between the ceremony itself and all the time we spent at Mary's afterward, I was having laptop withdrawls pretty bad by the time we got back home. My neice was writing on her second story right in front of me, just rubbing it in. I'm still beating my first story with a stick, and she's whipping through her second one already. Of course, as far as I know she never went over the first one a second time. This second draft is kicking my ass. It shouldn't, but it is. I say it shouldn't, but I've never actually finished a first draft before now, much less ever even start a second draft, so maybe second drafts just suck in general. Let me tell you one thing, I can't wait to write something besides Sassafras. Anything.

Sassafras, Part 51

Rick


I followed her in my car and pulled in the driveway behind her.

“Do you want to come inside?”

“I ought to just go home.”

“Well, at least let me thank you for getting my car started.” She pressed me against my car and thanked me for a long time, teasing me with her lips, her hands, the way she moved her body against mine. “Are you sure you don’t want to come inside?”

No, as a matter of fact, I wasn’t sure any more. “What would Bill think?”

“Shit.” She leaned her forehead against me. “I forgot all about Billy. I’m never going to get used to this. Does being a parent ever get any easier?”

“I don’t know. I never was much of a parent. Just ask my ex-wife. Besides, a 5 year old isn’t the same as a 15 year old.”

“I know, I’ll go inside and tell him I’m tired and just want to go to sleep, then you can sneak in the window.”

”You have got to be kidding me.”

“You don’t think it would work?”

“First of all, I don’t want the neighbors calling the police when they see me climbing in your window. Second of all, you’re noisy. I think Bill would hear us. Besides, I’m too old to be climbing in bedroom windows. That’s the kind of thing Bill should be doing, not me.”

“I’m noisy! I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Does this sound familiar? ‘Rick! Oh, God! Rick! You’re a stallion! Oh my God! Take me, you amazing sex machine!’?”

She laughed so hard she snorted. “You’re a stallion? Take me, you amazing sex machine?”

“Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little, but you’re a talker," I teased her. "Don’t get me wrong, I like hearing you talk. Especially when you say my name. My God, that drives me crazy every time.” Just thinking about it was enough to make me want to make love to her right there.

“Okay, so maybe climbing in the window isn’t such a good idea. I don’t see you coming up with any bright ideas.”

“How about this idea? I go home and get some sleep, and you go inside and spend some time with your nephew. I’ll see you tomorrow night, and then I’m off Monday and Tuesday.”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know. I’d like to stay, but I don’t want to cause any problems between you and Bill. He needs you, too. Go in and talk to him. I’ll call you tomorrow when I get off work.”

She looked at me. “I think you’re a better parent than you realize.” I liked hearing her say that. We walked toward the front porch. “I had a really good time tonight Rick. Except for that embarrassing escape attempt. I don’t know what I was thinking. Or where I’d have gone if you hadn’t stopped me. I feel so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. You just needed some air.”

“Yeah, right. I needed some air. Some air in Pennsylvania. I just, I don’t know. It just feels like ever since I met you everything’s turned upside down. I don’t know what I want anymore. All I know is I like being with you, but I don’t want to stay here.”

“We could compromise. I can’t move to New York, but I don’t have to stay here. We could move anywhere in Missouri. I bet you could find a good job in St. Louis, or Columbia, or Kansas City. It might not be New York, but it wouldn’t be Sassafras.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. Bill is determined to stay in Sassafras. I don’t think it would be any easier to convince him to move to St. Louis than it would be to convince him to move to New York. I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

Part of me was glad she didn’t want to take me up on that idea, but the rest of me was still worried about her going back to New York and forgetting all about me, no matter what she said. Out of sight, out of mind. I’d never heard of a long distance relationship that ended happily ever after.

Sassafras, Part 50


Rick


By the time we left Tony and his friends had already gone inside, so we just went straight back to Tanner’s. I looked at the engine and tested everything I could think of that could be wrong. Joan sat in the car and turned the key for me when I waved, but it still wouldn’t start. I was getting frustrated, just about ready to tell her it wasn’t going to start when she got out and walked over next to me.

She studied the engine for a minute. “You know, it didn’t take that guy at the nursing home this long to fix it.”

For a second I didn’t realize what she said. “You mean it did this before? Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t know. You didn’t ask if it broke down before.”

“What did he do?”

“You’ll never believe me.”

“Try me.”

“He hit it with a hammer.”

As soon as she said that I knew what was wrong. I picked up a ratchet and told her to go back in the car and get ready to start it. After I tapped the starter a couple of times I waved at Joan and she started it right up.

“It was your solenoid. Come over here for a minute and let me show you what to do if it does this tomorrow. Don’t shut it off, just in case.” She followed me to the front of the car and I showed her the starter. “If it won’t start, just tap it like this four or five times with this ratchet.” I tapped the engine block a couple of times to show her how hard to hit it. “Don’t hit it too hard or it’ll crack. I’ll stop tomorrow after work and get you a new starter. It’ll only take a couple of minutes to put on.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“If you’re going to drive this car I do.”

“How much will this cost?”

I thought for a minute. It was probably $65 or $70, but I wasn’t going to let Joan pay for it. “Not much, maybe $20. Don’t worry about it.” Just as I thought, she pulled a twenty out of her purse and tried to give it to me. “No, you keep that. All I want is that dinner you promised.”

“You’re a brave man, Rick. What would you like?”

“Surprise me.” I shut the hood, then leaned up against the car, pulling Joan into my arms.

“You’re not brave, you’re crazy.” She smiled and kissed me. “When do you want to eat?”

“Well, I get off at 4, then I have to stop and get the starter. I should be done working on this car in plenty of time to go to Tanner’s and talk to Matt when he gets to work at 5. Why don’t we make it 6?”

“You know, we could just eat at Tanner’s again.”

“No, Joan. I know what you’re thinking. Forget about it. You’re not talking to Matt. Besides, you owe me dinner and you’re going to pay up, if I have to chain you to the stove.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You never know, you might like it.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head, but I could see the corners of her lips curve upwards. “Come on, let’s get this car home before something else breaks down on it.”

Sassafras, Part 49


Rick

If only I could tell what she was thinking. I had done everything but beg her to stay, but she just stared at me like she’d rather walk across hot coals or broken glass. Did she hate Sassafras that much, or was it me? If I wasn’t on probation I would move to New York and never look back. I thought about telling Boyd I wanted out. I didn’t care if he busted Sneider or not anymore. If he didn’t have enough evidence it wasn’t my fault. Joan may not want to move back to Sassafras, but maybe she would move to St. Louis, or Kansas City. Boyd would be pissed, but so what? If it was a choice between spending four and a half years on probation with Joan, or staying in Sassafras and watching her fly back to New York, I would pick probation.

Then I thought about Jenny. I still didn’t know what happened to her, but I could tell Sneider was up to his eyeballs in it. What would Joan do if she found out I knew he was involved in Jenny’s death all along, he might even be the person who killed her, and I just walked away? She would think I was just a selfish pig, only interested in myself, and she would be right. I couldn’t stop now. Like it or not, I was stuck in Sassafras. I needed to find a way to convince her to stay.

“Why are you so determined to go back to New York, anyway?”

”Didn’t we already go over this?”

”I’m still waiting for a better answer than ‘just because’.”

“I live in New York, Rick. That’s where I work, that’s where I live. You want me to give up my job and my apartment, my whole life. I don’t know if I can do that. I wouldn’t have anything if I moved back here.”

“You would have me.”

“Right now. Face it, Rick. I’m just some woman you picked up in a bar.”

“Oh, is that what you think? You’re just some woman I picked up?” It hurt hearing her say that because I knew it wasn’t true. It would have been true if I met her before I did time. Trusting me back then would have been a big mistake.

“Rick, you don’t understand. You act like I’m something special, but I’m not.”

“Oh, that’s right. I forgot. You’re just some random woman I picked up in a bar.”

“Well, I am. Don’t tell me Thursday night you were sitting around and just had a hunch that the woman of your dreams was probably at Tanner’s having a beer?”

“No, I was just lucky. Very, very lucky.” I looked at her and thought what an understatement that was. At least it would be if I could convince her to stay. “When you walked into the police station I couldn’t take my eyes off you. After you left I kept seeing you everywhere I went. At Don’s, at Wal-Mart. You were everywhere. When I saw you at Tanner’s I wanted to talk to you, but I was so nervous I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“You were nervous? Why?”

“Why? Because I’m nobody, Joan. I’m an ex-con. I work in a dog food factory. I live in the No-Tell Motel. Not exactly much of a catch. Why would you want to have anything to do with me?”

“Because you made me laugh. Because I love your smile, and your eyes. Because I love the way I feel when I’m with you.”

“But not enough to stay.”

“I want to stay, Rick. I do. It just scares me. What if this doesn’t work out? When something’s too good to be true, it usually is, and this is way too good to be true. I don’t know what I’d do if I moved here and then you met somebody else. At least if you could move to New York I would still have my job and my apartment, and I wouldn’t see you with her everywhere I went.”

“Joan, there is no her. I don’t want anybody but you. You’re everything I ever wanted. You’re perfect. I wouldn’t change anything about you. I just want you to stay.”

“I’ll think about thinking about it,” she finally said, leaning up against me, her head resting on my chest.

‘Take what you can get, you idiot,’ I told myself, but I knew I wouldn’t listen to anybody, not even myself. “Think about this, too,” I told her and kissed her. I wanted it to be a kiss she wouldn’t forget, one she would still remember when we were both old and gray. I held her face between my hands, lifting her lips to mine, and kissed her gently at first. I moved one hand back into her hair while I caressed her cheek with the other hand. When I felt her tongue searching for mine I pressed against her lips harder, my tongue pushing her mouth open wider. I brushed her hair back, then moved my hand down and put my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. I wanted to hold her like that and kiss her all night long, feel her tongue playing against mine, her body pressing against me.

“Okay, okay, I give up. I’ll think about it,” she whispered. “Do you always get what you want?”

“That’s up to you.” I was starting to feel hopeful. At least she was going to think about staying. “Come on, Babe, we really ought to get going. Jenny’s car isn’t going to fix itself.”

“Back to the real world.” She didn’t sound very thrilled. “I’d rather stay here.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying.”

“I meant tonight, not forever.”

“You want to spend the night here?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I should go home and spend some time with Billy, but I’d rather stay here with you.”

“Okay, but you’re mine tomorrow night.”

“It’s a date,” she said and kissed me.

Your Fired!

No, this isn't about me. They decided to save money at work by getting rid of all the security guards. It doesn't bother me at all. I never did really understand why they even had any. We are in the middle of nowhere, and no matter how insane and bitchy our callers get, I really don't think any are going to track us down and go on a wild shooting rampage because they didn't get the number to Paul's Pizza Palace.

In other work related news, we had a fire drill today. I was in the middle of my first break when the alarm went off. It's a loud alarm. At first the managers told everybody to just keep working, but I don't know how they could with that loud buzzing in their ears. The managers decided maybe they should check downstairs to see if there really was a fire, and then decided maybe everybody should go outside, just in case. As far as I knew there wasn't anything going on. I never did find out why the alarms went off. I would rather the alarm went off while I was on the clock instead of ruining my break.

In even still more work related news, the other day when I was driving to work I pulled onto the on-ramp and noticed all the cars on the highway were parked. Not good. I ended up being 45 minutes late, and I usually get there 5 or 10 minutes early. For quite a while my average speed was about 6 miles an hour. What was really cool was for some reason the truckers decided to help the highway construction workers by corralling all the cars into just the right lane. I could see the wisdom in that, hypothetically, but they made everybody merge into one lane about 5 miles before we got to any construction, so for the longest time I didn't have any idea what was going on. A wreck? Construction? Alien invasion? What? There were two trucks in the center and left lane, blocking the highway so nobody could get past them. Eventually, some people who apparently were in a hurry decided to turn the shoulder into a fourth lane, but when the truck drivers noticed that one of them pulled over onto the shoulder. I thought it was cool. Especially since the two trucks that were holding back the rest of the fleet were keeping them all in back of me so I didn't have to put up with a bunch of people trying to merge in front of me.

Sassafras, Part 48

Joan


After Rick finally set me back down we just stood there holding on to each other. I wasn’t sure I could stand up without him. He was running his hands through my hair, caressing my shoulders, my back, trailing his hands up my arms where they were wrapped around his waist. I nuzzled my face up against his chest hair. I didn’t know if I would ever get used to him having such a hairy chest. Every time I saw it I wanted to run my fingers through it, feel it tickling against my cheek. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his hands moving over my body. Sometimes it felt like he was barely touching me, but most of the time I could feel his hands pressing me to him, kneading my dress against my skin.

Then the real world started intruding on my consciousness. I was barefoot, and the concrete step I was standing on was cold. I could hear Tony and his friends still giving us suggestions, and somebody else yelling at them to shut up. There were people laughing on a TV somewhere, and there was also a radio playing a country song. The wind picked up, billowing my dress out like a sail. “You’re freezing,” Rick said when he felt me start to shiver. “Why don’t we go back inside and get dressed?”

His fan club booed when we started walking up the stairs. “We’ll be down in a minute,” he told them but they just laughed.

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your friends,” I said as we walked.

“Them? Don’t worry about it.”

“So, what do I have to do to join this fan club of yours?”

“Well, I think I can put in a good word for you with the review committee. You’ll still have to fill out the application and write the essay, but that’s just a formality.”

“Write an essay? Gee, I don’t know. Couldn’t you pull some strings for me? I’d be ever so grateful.”

“How grateful?”

“What do you have in mind?”

“You could kiss me again.”

“But I already kissed you. Twice. Isn’t it your turn to kiss me?”

“You’re the one who wants the VIP treatment.”

“You drive a hard bargain. What do I get if I join your fan club, anyway?”

“You get your official Colonel Hogan ID card, the secret decoder ring, and tickets to the annual Colonel Hogan Appreciation Day festival. Plus I’ll teach you the secret handshake. And don’t forget, you get to kiss me, too.”

“Does everybody in your fan club get to kiss you?”

“Just the people at the VIP level.”

“How many VIPs are there?”

“None yet. It’s a very exclusive level.”

“I was right, you are full of shit.”

“So, does that mean you won’t kiss me again?”

“I didn’t say that, did I?”

“So you will kiss me?”

“I didn’t say that, either. I think this is all just a ploy to get me to kiss you again.”

“I’m not sure I like your attitude. I don’t think you’re serious about joining.”

“Alright already. If you’re going to be such a baby about it I’ll kiss you just to shut you up.” I guess the rest of his fan club had been hoping for an encore, because when I reached up and kissed him again I heard them start clapping and whistling. “There, are you satisfied now?”

He opened the door to his apartment and waved me inside. “No, not yet, but I like your attitude a lot better now.”

I laughed. “So, are you going to show me the secret handshake?”

He picked his coat up and put it over my shoulders. “Maybe after you warm up.”

“Thanks. It’s getting cold outside.” I followed him to his dresser where he pulled a black sweatshirt with a big yellow M on the front out of a drawer and pulled it on before slipping on a pair of old sneakers. I was surprised how much I missed the sight of his hairy chest.

“Yeah, the weather man said a front is going to move in tonight. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow.”

“No, not tomorrow. There’s nothing more depressing than rain at a funeral.”

“What time does the funeral start?”

“1:30. After that everybody is going to Don’s. He’s closing for the afternoon. I think the whole town is going to be at Jenny’s funeral. Everybody but you.”

He put his arms around me and stroked my hair. “You know I would be there if I could.”

I slipped my hands around his waist. “I know. I just missed you so much today. I want to spend as much time with you as I can before I have to leave.”

“I wish you weren’t leaving.”

“I can’t stay here.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Don’t start, Rick. This is going to be hard for me. Don’t make it harder.”

“Then don’t leave.”

“I don’t want to argue about this.”

“Then just listen.” He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. “I don’t want you to leave, Joan. I don’t think you really want to leave. All I’m asking is for you to think about staying. Please, Joan, just think about it. I don’t want you to stay here if you’ll be miserable, but I know I’ll be miserable here without you. Please, just say you’ll think about it. I don’t want to have to dig a tunnel all the way to New York.”

I wanted to stay. Really, I did, but the idea terrified me. It sounds strange, but I felt safe in New York. I knew what to expect. I was in control. I had a good job and an apartment all my own. I wouldn’t have anything if I moved back. There weren’t any jobs in Sassafras, and I didn’t know if I could live in Jenny’s house. It was so full of Jenny I kept expecting to see her every time I turned around. If I moved back, I would be giving up everything, my whole life. All for a man I met two days ago. The idea was crazy.

But I wanted to stay.

Sassafras, Part 47

Joan


“Kiss her again” I heard somebody yell. Tony and his friends had been sitting there watching everything. I was so embarrassed. I tried to hide behind Rick, but with his arms around me I just ended up pressed tightly against him. I couldn’t believe I had been about to run away. When he said I was lucky to be going back to New York I just snapped. I couldn’t believe that he thought I wanted to leave. That he thought I wanted to forget all about him. He called me lucky, but I knew he was wrong. I had never been lucky in my life, and I sure didn’t feel lucky then. I was miserable, and he didn’t even care. If he wanted me to forget all about him I needed to start right away, so I threw on my dress and walked out the door.

I don’t know what I thought he would do. I didn’t really care. I just couldn’t stay there another minute. I wanted to go someplace as far away as possible. Farther than New York even. Just start walking and never look back. Maybe if I got far enough away from him it wouldn’t hurt so much when I thought about him. Maybe I could forget the way he smiled, the sound of his voice, the way he kissed me. He called my name a few times but I didn’t stop. I was barely able to hold it together, and if I stopped I knew I would fall apart.

I was halfway down the stairs when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I was able to slip away from him, but then he got in front of me and wouldn’t let me get past him. He said he wouldn’t let me leave until I told him what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I’m not sure how much sense I made because by then I was crying and everything seemed to just come out in a big rush. It was even worse when he put his arms around me. It just wasn’t fair. It felt so good, but it wasn’t real, it was just an illusion. I tried to convince myself everything wasn’t going to come crumbling down as soon as I got on the plane to New York, but I could already feel it starting.

Rick swore he would find a way to make everything work out, but who was he trying to kid? I knew he couldn’t do anything to change the way things were. What could he do, sneak to New York and hope his probation officer didn’t find out? Risk going back to prison just to see me? Even if he would, I didn’t want him to. I couldn’t stand the idea of him going back to prison, especially not because of me. What if he got hurt in there? Or even worse, what if knowing he was back in prison because of me made him hate me? I would rather have him forget all about me than hate me. There was no way to win, just hundreds of ways to lose.

I knew once I went back to New York I would be alone again. I had always been so busy I never even noticed how lonely I was until I came back to Sassafras. How could I ever convince Billy to move to New York when I didn’t want to go there myself? Maybe he should stay with the Kennedys. Then I could just go back to my little apartment and bury myself so deep in work I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. I should probably get a couple more cats because I was obviously destined to be one of those crazy old ladies with 30 or 40 cats, somebody people avoid sitting next to on the subway because they smell like a litter pan.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I swear I’ll find a way to work this out. I waited too long to find you to let you just walk out of my life now.” He looked so serious I started hoping maybe there was something he could do. When he kissed me I felt everything start to melt away, at least until I heard the yelling and whistling. I couldn’t believe Tony and his friends had been watching the whole time, like my life was some kind of reality TV show. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I didn’t mind being in front of people when I was working, but this was personal, and painful, not something I wanted people gossiping about behind my back

It got even worse when they started yelling for Rick to kiss me again. He looked like he was thinking about it, but then he shook his head. “I already kissed her,” he said. I was so grateful he wasn’t going to embarrass me any more than I already did. I thought everything was going to be okay until he kept talking. “I think she needs to kiss me.” Cheers erupted from the lawn chair brigade.

“Rick! Are you crazy!” I hissed at him and slapped his shoulder.

“What?” he looked at me. “It’s just a kiss, not a lap dance or anything indecent. Don’t tell me you’re afraid to kiss me.”

“I’m not afraid. I just don’t like everybody staring at me.”

He looked over at our audience. “They’re not looking at you,” he said. “They’re all looking at me. That’s the Sassafras chapter of the Colonel Hogan Fan Club. They’re just a few of the millions of people across the world who worship the ground I walk on. It’s only a matter of time before you join the club.”

I looked at them and then back at Rick. “Okay, Slick, if they’re the Colonel Hogan Fan Club, why are they yelling Rick instead of Hogan?”

“They appreciate the man behind the legend.”

“Oh, you’re so full of shit.”

“Would I lie to you?” he asked with the most innocent look on his face.

“Yes. Yes, I think you would,” I couldn’t help smiling at him.

“There, that looks so much better.” He ran his finger lightly across my cheek. I felt his arm tighten up around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “So, what’s it going to be, Fraulein? Am I going to get kissed, or are you going to disappoint my fans?”

“No.”

“No you won’t kiss me, or no you won’t disappoint my fans?” I was barely aware of them anymore. All I could think about was how good it was to feel him holding me that close. How irritatingly charming he looked when he smiled like that. Just like Colonel Hogan I thought, right before I leaned over and kissed him. I was still standing on the step above him, so I didn’t have to stretch up to kiss him. It surprised me that I missed that tiptoe feeling. It just didn’t feel as electric. It almost felt ordinary.

I shook my head and pulled back away from him a little bit. “That wasn’t right.” He tilted his head and watched me move down to the same step he was on. “Let me try that again,” I said and reached my hands up around his neck, stretching up on my toes. That kiss was more like what I had expected. It sure didn’t feel ordinary. I could feel his hands sliding down my back, pulling me so close I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He wrapped his arms around me and then straightened up, lifting me off my feet. It surprised me, and for a moment I was afraid I would slip out of his arms, but he was holding me so tight I could feel his heartbeat. I could hear Tony and his friends clapping and cheering, but I didn’t care if they were watching or not anymore.

Sick Day

I am sick. Not rush to the hospital looking for a cure sick, more like rush to the bathroom and hope I make it there in time sick. I actually got sick at work yesterday. Well, I didn't actually get sick, I just felt like I was in imminent danger of hurling all over my computer terminal. Luckily I didn't. I told myself I would wait until my last break and then go to the bathroom and see if that made me feel better, but about a half hour before my break I started really feeling bad so I went ahead and logged of and went to the bathroom. Unfortunately, that didn't make me feel any better, so I just went to the front desk and told them I wasn't feeling well and was going to go home. They are pretty cool about that, as long as you don't make a habit of it.

Luckily I made it home before I actually got sick. On the way home I thought I was going to get sick a couple times but managed to avoid it, which is a good thing. I thought about driving home with the window down, just in case I needed to stick my head out and upchuck, but it was raining so that didn't sound like a very good idea. I keep one of those little plastic grocery bags in the car to put trash in, so I just set that on the seat next to me and hoped it wouldn't leak if I had to use it. But I didn't have to, so it's all good.

I don't want to gross anybody out with details of my illness, so all I'm going to say is everything I eat is coming out in pureed liquid form in both directions. Sometimes at the same time, which is an experience I would encourage you to avoid if at all possible.

Sassafras, Part 46

Rick


Eventually I knew we had to get up. I brushed her hair back and kissed her cheek. "Wake up, Joan. Wake up." She mumbled a little, then curled her arm back around my waist. "Come on, Joan. You have to wake up," I said and shook her shoulder a little.

She blinked a couple of times, then looked over at me. "Did I fall asleep?" she yawned and stretched, rubbing against me in several places. "Sorry."

"Keep doing that and I'll call it even." I gave a little stretch of my own, rubbing back against her.

"Keep doing that and I'll fall off the couch."

"I can't have that," I said and held her tighter. Next time she came over I was going to have to unfold the bed so we could have more room, but it was nice being so close to her.

“I like it here,” she said.

“You like the Monte Vista?”

“No, here,” she said. She slid her hand up and down my back and kissed my neck.

“I like having you here.”

“Do you think you’ll ever visit me in New York?” she asked softly.

“I can’t. I’m on probation. I can’t leave Missouri.”

“How long?”

“Four and a half years.”

“Years?”

“Yeah, years. You can always come back here any time you want.”

“Don’t hold your breath. I’m going to be so far behind at work I don’t know when I’ll ever get any time off. This is the closest thing to a vacation I’ve had in two years.”

She looked so sad, and sounded even sadder. “Then you deserve a vacation. Something with a beach and palm trees.”

“And all the Mai-tais I can drink,” she said wistfully. She was silent for a minute, just running her fingers idly around in my chest hairs. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too.” I kissed the top of her head. “It won’t be so bad. You’re the lucky one. You get to go back to New York. You’ll be having so much fun you’ll forget all about me in a couple of weeks. I’ll be stuck here in Mayberry with nothing to do but think about you for the next four and a half years.”

Her hand stopped moving. “What?” she asked.

“I said I’ll miss you. I’m going to be stuck here with nothing to take my mind off you.”

“No, before that. About me.”

I had to think for a minute before I remembered what I had said. “You’re lucky that you get to go back to New York. You won’t even remember me in a couple of weeks.”

Suddenly she seemed restless. She tensed up and I felt her arms and legs pushing against me, then she sat up. She sat hunched over on the edge of the couch, her hair hiding her face, muttering to herself. She grabbed her white dress up off the floor and stood up. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ve got to go. Got to go. I can’t do this. I’ve got to go.”

Before I realized what was happening she was walking to the door, pulling the dress down over her head as she walked. “Joan? Joan, what are you doing?”

She didn’t even look back at me, just opened the door and started walking out. “Got to go,” was the last thing I heard before the door closed behind her. At first I was too stunned to move, then I ran to the door. “Joan! Where are you going?” I started to follow her but I had to go back inside and grab my pants. By the time I got back outside she was almost at the stairs. “Joan! Stop, Joan!” I yelled at her but it just seemed to make her go faster. I was finally able to catch up to her when she was about halfway down the stairs. When I tried to touch her she just twisted out of my hands and kept going. The only way I was finally able to get her to stop was to stand in front of her and hold my arms out so she couldn’t get past me, but she kept turning right and left, like an animal at the zoo searching for a way to escape.

“Get away from me.” She pushed me and then tried to duck under my arm.

“Joan, what are you doing?”

“I’m going home. I’ve got to go.”

“Why? What’s wrong? What did I do? Whatever it is I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter. I just have to go. I can’t do this.”

“You can’t do what? Joan, talk to me.”

“I can’t stay here. I can’t see you. I wish I never met you.” She was starting to cry, and I still didn’t have any idea what was wrong. “Just let me go.”

“No. I’m not letting you go anywhere until you talk to me. We can stand right here all night long if you want, but sooner or later you’re going to tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m not lucky,” she finally said. “If you think I’m lucky because I’m going back to New York you’re crazier than I am. You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. You don’t know what it’s like. I’m not lucky. I’m lonely. All alone, all the time. I wake up alone. I go to work alone. I eat dinner alone. I go shopping alone. I keep the TV on all the time just to hear somebody talking. And you think that’s lucky? You think I’m lucky? Just because I live with a million total strangers? And you think I’m going to just forget you? Just wake up and say ‘Rick who?’ Two weeks? You think two weeks is long enough to forget you? You’re crazy! Two weeks? No, Rick. Not two weeks.”

She didn’t seem to be able to stand still. Maybe it was the way she kept waving her arms and occasionally hitting me on the chest to punctuate a point. Or the way she just kept crying and wiping her eyes and looking everywhere else but at me. Finally she gave up and let me put my arms around her, but I still couldn’t get her to stop crying. It seemed to make her cry more. “Not two weeks,” she said. “You don’t understand. I won’t forget you. Why would I even want to? Do you think you’re just some guy I met? That I don’t care if I never see you again? That I won’t miss you?

“I’m sorry,” I said when she finally wound down. “I’m so sorry, Joan. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m sorry. I thought you liked New York.”

“I do. I love my job, and all the things to do in New York, but you don’t have any idea what it’s like. There’s nobody to talk to. Nobody cares what I do. Nobody misses me if I have to work late.”

“Why don’t you just stay here? You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to.”

“Yes I do. That’s where I work.”

“You could get a job here.”

“Doing what? Waiting tables at Don’s? Running a register at the grocery store like Mom?”

“Jenny didn’t seem to mind.”

“I’m not Jenny! I don’t want to be Jenny’s shadow. I want to be me. I want somebody to want me. Just me.”

“I want you. I wanted you since the first moment I saw you. I don’t want you to leave. I never want you to leave.”

“But it won’t work. You have to stay here, and I have to go back to New York.”

“I’ll make it work, Joan. I promise.” I wished I’d never mentioned being on parole. I didn’t think she would come unglued when she found out. Hopefully I would be off parole soon. Probably not before she had to leave, but not four and a half years. I really needed to talk to Boyd. Maybe he could wrap this up soon. I wanted to check my e-mail but had to wait until I was alone, and the last thing I wanted was to be alone.

It felt like Joan had finally stopped crying. She was leaning up against me, her head still resting in her hands. “Everything’s going to be okay,” I said, lifting her chin. “Don’t worry. I swear I’ll find a way to work this out. I waited too long to find you to let you just walk out of my life now.” When I leaned over and kissed her I heard cheering and whistling. At first I thought maybe it was just a TV somewhere, but then I hear somebody yell my name. I looked over and saw Tony and all his friends whistling and clapping. They were still sitting in the parking lot in their lawn chairs, but they had turned around so they could watch the show. Great. I couldn’t wait to hear about this all day at work tomorrow.

Sassafras, Part 45

Rick


The Monte Vista is L shaped, with the stairs and the old pool in the crook of the L. I lived in 36C, on the second floor of the short side, with a magnificent view from the walkway in front of my apartment of the weeds and trash in the pool area, and Tony and all the other people who lived on the long side. When I unlocked the door I noticed Joan smiling. Maybe the Monte Vista was growing on her. Or maybe I was. “Home, sweet home,” I said. “Why don’t you sit down while I look for my toolbox?” I asked and escorted her all four steps to the couch before heading to the closet. Everything was crammed into that closet, so it took a few minutes to dig out my tool box. I forgot to check the flashlight in my car so I was going to grab the one from under the couch just in case.

I finally found my toolbox and managed to get it out of the closet without too much trouble. Joan looked bored, sitting there all alone, twisting the hem of her skirt between her fingers. When she saw me carrying the toolbox she stood up and started following me to the door. “You’re not in that much of a hurry to leave, are you?” I asked and set the toolbox down on the floor next to the door.

“I thought you were.”

“Business before pleasure,” I said as I slipped my arm around her and started walking toward the couch. “I didn’t want to forget anything. You have a tendency to distract me.” I knew there was probably something else I wanted to get while I was home, but I was right, she distracted me. I sat down and she made herself right at home in my arms. I wasn’t distracted anymore. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. It had been a struggle to think about anything else all day. I started kissing her and unbuttoning her jacket. She took it off, revealing the simple white dress it had been covering. I slipped a strap off her shoulders and started moving my mouth farther down her neck when I felt her try to push me away.

“Don’t you like this?” I whispered in her ear.

“Oh, God, yes,” she said. “I like this. I love this.” I loved hearing her say that. I started kissing her again but she pulled away from me. “No, Rick, please.”

“What’s wrong?” She didn’t look happy anymore. She looked worried.

“It’s just, there’s something you ought to know. I’m not on the pill. I’m sorry, Rick. I should have told you last night, but everything happened so fast. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay. Really,” I said. “Don’t worry, I’ll use protection.”

“But last night…”

“Was a wonderful surprise. I didn’t expect you to drag me to your bedroom and take advantage of me like that.”

“Drag you! Take advantage of you!”

“I was kidding, just kidding. I wouldn’t change a thing about last night. I should have used a condom, but I didn’t know I was going to need one.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“No, I’m not mad at you. Even if you told me last night, I wouldn’t change a thing. How about you? Do you regret last night?”

“No. I’m sorry I slapped you, but I wouldn’t change anything else.”

I kissed her again, and this time she let me enjoy it. Instead of trying to pull away she pulled me closer to her, kissing me with the same desire I felt. It was all I could do to wait long enough to put on a condom before it was too late. I couldn’t think of anything except how amazing she had been last night. She had been so eager for each touch, each kiss, and responded with so much passion I could barely keep up with her. Everything seemed to be a surprise to her, every experience felt new and exciting. She was even more amazing this time. She seemed to read my mind, anticipating what I wanted before I even knew it myself.

Afterwards we both stretched out on the couch as well as we could, her head resting on my arm. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to lie there and never have to leave. She was running her hand across my shoulder when I saw her start to nibble on her lip and knew something was on her mind. After a few minutes she looked up at me and brushed her hand across my chin. She wasn’t smiling anymore. She looked serious, almost sad, but she still didn’t say anything. “What are you thinking about?” I asked her.

She looked down and sighed. “Leaving,” she said. “Wondering how much longer until I have to go back to New York. How many more times I’ll see you.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know.” She was staring down at her hand resting on my chest. “Not long. Wednesday or Thursday probably. Maybe I can stretch it out until next weekend. I don’t like thinking about it.”

“How many times do you want to see me?”

She put her arm around me. “Every day,” she said. “Every morning, every night. Every chance I get.”

Amen, I thought and pulled her closer to me, brushing her hair out of her face. I wanted the exact same thing. I ran my hand down her back and felt her curl up against me. It felt so good I could have stayed that way forever, even as cramped as I was on the couch, but I knew we ought to get moving if I was going to work on Jenny’s car. “We ought to get up before we both fall asleep.”

“No, not yet. Please, let me stay just another couple minutes.”

I sighed and kissed her forehead. “Okay, but just a little while.” It did feel nice. She was so warm and soft. I thought about what she said a minute ago. She could be gone by Wednesday. I might never see her again after that. How could I have gotten so attached to her in just three days? I was usually bored with a woman after three days. At least that was the way it used to work before I spent seven years in prison. I didn’t feel like the same person I used to be. I never used to think any farther than the next bar, the next woman, the next weekend. I never worried about the future. I didn’t have to. It’s amazing how easy life can be with enough money, and I always made sure I had more than enough. Now I didn’t have any money, nothing was easy, and Joan was leaving. Life sucks, and then you die.

I brushed my hand through her hair, and then caressed her cheek. “Come on. We need to get going,” I whispered.

“Mmmm. Love you,” she said.

Did she just say what I thought I heard? “What did you say, Joan? Joan?” I touched her cheek again, but she just brushed my hand away. “Joan?” I picked up her hand and could tell she was fast asleep. “Love you, too,” I whispered and kissed her forehead. She was just dreaming. She didn’t really say she loved me. I wondered who she was dreaming about. Maybe it was me, but maybe it was that damn senator. It could even be Colonel Hogan for all I knew.

Maybe I was dreaming, too. I used to enjoy my normal, boring life before I met her. Plotting Sneider’s destruction so I could get off probation had been enough to keep me happy. Until I met her. I still remembered the first time I saw her. Sneider and Franklin and I had been talking about who was going to ‘work security’ that weekend. That was one of the ways I was funneling their money into legitimate income. Every weekend I put one or two of the officer’s down in the books as working security at Tanner’s. Tanner’s didn’t need bouncers, but if anyone ever audited the books they wouldn’t know that, especially with all the extra business I made it look like Tanner’s had. I also made it look like they picked up shifts at the cab company. I just had to make sure I didn’t put somebody on both books at the same time, or when they were actually on duty.

I heard her high heels snapping against the tile floor before I even turned around and saw her. I hadn’t heard that sound in years, but I still recognized it. High heels. A woman was coming. All three of us turned and stared. I couldn’t look away from her. I couldn’t have moved even if the building had been on fire. Nothing had been the same since. Even now, when she was just lying next to me sleeping, I couldn’t stop staring at her. I wanted to touch her, kiss her, feel her fingers running through my chest hairs. I wanted to make love to her again, to see that look on her face, like she was either going to faint or laugh or scream. Instead I just held her and let her dream.

My New Ride

That's right, I have a new car. Much less of a piece of shit than my last car. This car is a dark blue four door 91 Toyota Camry 5 speed. The Man is still checking to make sure it is fit for me to drive. He already took it to the mechanic and had both front axles replaced. He said it still needs a thorough tune-up. I really like it so far. I tried to like the car we got from my brother, but it was just a little too rustic. The one thing I didn't like the most was the way I had to slam my shoulder into the door to get it to open so I could get out. I'm sure once it got hot I would start missing the air-conditioner, too. The only thing I can think of that's wrong with this car is there is some problem with the antena, but that doesn't matter much because I almost never listen to the radio anymore, and when I do I usually just listen to NPR. It's just people talking anyway, so the reception doesn't have to be crystal clear.


Oh, and I have the best news. I can watch the real, original Hogan's Hero's on TV now. When I started writing Sassafras I decided Rick would look like Hogan, but it had been a long time since I'd seen the series. Rick is a lot better looking than Hogan. I think Hogan has a certain air of weasle about him. Maybe it's just because I know how the actor ended up. I watched the movie about Bob Crane, Auto Focus. It was a really good movie, but not exactly PG. I like the actor who played Bob Crane, Greg Kinnear.

It feels like there was something else blogworthy, but I can't think of it now. Maybe I'll remember later. Right now, I'm going back to work on Sassafras. The second draft is taking entirely too long, but I think it's making the story better so I can't complain too much. Don't tell anybody, but I can't wait for next November.

Sassafras, Part 44


Rick

I couldn’t believe I was taking Joan to my apartment. Not after hearing her talk about the senator and his apartment, and how everything in New York is so fabulous. Oh well, it was too late to turn around now. I always knew I never really had a chance with her anyway. This was never going to be a permanent thing. I might as well let her see what she was going to be escaping when she went back to New York. At least tonight I was prepared. Before I picked up Joan I stopped at the liquor store and bought some condoms. Yesterday I had just been expecting dinner, not spending the night with her. The way she kissed me in the parking lot I was pretty sure she had more on her mind than picking up some tools. At least I hoped she did because I couldn’t get the image of her lying in the moonlight next to me with nothing on but that little pearl necklace out of my mind.

Part of me still thought it would be nice to see her pregnant. I thought maybe then she would stay, but I knew that wouldn’t work. Either she would just have an abortion, or have the baby in New York. Even if she did stay here she would end up hating me for ruining her life. I was better off using condoms and hoping nothing happened last night. We were both better off.

When I pulled into the parking lot at the Monte Vista I could see she was impressed. It was a real dive. It looked even worse in the dark, with all the shadows and people hanging out. Tony and a couple of his friends were sitting in front of his apartment drinking. Other than that the place was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday night. I told Joan she could just stay in the car if she wanted while I ran up and got the tools, but she didn’t seem to think that was a very good idea. I was glad she wanted to come inside with me. Those condoms were burning a hole in my pocket.

“Hey, Pops, bringing home another hooker?” Tony asked when he saw us walking up. Just the person I wanted to introduce Joan to. What wiseass shit was he going to come up with tonight? I prayed he wouldn’t say anything about the cops or Tanya’s brother.

“No, you asshole. This is Joan. Her car broke down at Tanner’s. Joan, this is Tony, the guy I ride to work with.”

“So this is Joan,” he said as he got up from his lawn chair and gave her a hug. I could see him checking her out, and knew he liked what he was seeing. She was wearing a black and white dress. The top looked like a black tuxedo jacket over a long flowing white skirt. I noticed she also had on those pearls. “What on earth are you doing with this ugly fuck?”

“Don’t pay any attention to him, Joan. I think all those tattoos gave him brain damage.”

“Hey man, this is art,” he said, pointing to the tattoo of a naked woman on his right shoulder. He flexed his muscles a little. “Look, she can even dance.”

“Yeah, but can she cook dinner?”

“That’s what Tanya’s for. She’s going to be here in about ten minutes if you want to stop by. She’s bringing Kelly with her. I can’t wait to see them. I wish Tanya’s mom wasn’t such a bitch. She doesn’t think I’m good enough for her little girl, just because I made one mistake.”

“One mistake? You were a coke dealer.” I glanced at the other two guys with Tony, and wondered if they were friends or business associates. I hoped he was smart enough to stay clean. He was a nice kid most of the time, once you got over the tough guy attitude he liked to think he had.

“You make it sound like that’s a bad thing, man. At least I wasn’t one of those meth heads. Those fuckers are just creepy. They give drug dealers a bad name.” His friends both agreed with his opinion on meth heads. I have to admit, I did too. They were creepy. Of course, I thought drug dealers in general were creepy. “Hey, Pops, you want a beer?”

“No, Tony. We’re just getting some tools and going back to Tanner’s. If Tanya gets here before we leave we’ll stop by for a minute.” Joan and I started walking again. I saw her look over her shoulder at Tony and decided to make sure she understood he was a fellow graduate of the state penitentiary.

“Hey, man, stop by after you get done taking care of business,” he said. “Hey, Pops, you going to need a wake-up call?” I just flipped him off and kept walking.

Sassafras, Part 43


Joan

I stayed at Tanner's talking with Rick for a while after Billy left. We both agreed that the bartender probably knew something, but Rick didn’t want me to talk to him. He said Matt would be more likely to talk to him than me. I guess he was right, but I still wanted to be there. I looked around by the pool tables, but I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. I remembered one night there had been a fight at Tanner’s. There were still clumps of hair and streaks of blood all over when we got out of school, but there wasn’t any blood or hair now. If there had ever been any it was cleaned up now.

Eventually it was time to go. I would have stayed there with Rick all night, but he had to go to work at 7. Of course, when we got to Jenny’s car it wouldn’t start. I turned the key and turned the key, pumped the gas, crossed my fingers, everything I could think of. Even when Rick tried to start it he couldn’t get it to run.

“What now?” I asked.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “It doesn’t sound that serious. I think I could get it running if I had some tools. Do you know if there is anything in the trunk?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never looked in the trunk.”

He took the key out of the ignition and we walked to the back of the car. The trunk was a mess. It was dark, so I couldn’t see what was in it. Rick felt around and didn’t find any tools. “Is there a flashlight in the car?”

I got inside and looked around. “No, I don’t think so.”

He shut the trunk and walked back over. “I have some tools at my apartment. I could go get them.”

“Or we could go get them,” I said and put my arms around him.

When he mentioned going to his apartment to get his tools I saw a chance to spend some more time with him. I knew it was only a matter of days, maybe a week at most, before I had to go back to New York, back to the real world, and I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I remembered what a horrible mess I made of things in Atlantic City with Greg. I wanted to make sure Rick knew I wasn’t interested in anything but him, not his money or his car or his apartment, that I wasn’t upset about his past or worried about the future, so I kissed him like it was an Olympic event and I was going for the gold.

I poured everything I could into that kiss, and felt him respond in the same way. Kissing him usually left me feeling breathless and weak, but this time was different. It felt like the longer we kissed the stronger I felt. I barely felt like the same person. I could feel his hands sliding all over my body, pulling me even closer to him, and I forgot about everything but him. All I wanted was to stand there kissing him all night, feeling the energy surging through me. I didn’t even care if I went to his apartment anymore. All I wanted was to feel him next to me, to kiss him and never have to stop.

“Okay, we’ll go to my apartment and pick up the tools to work on Jenny’s car. I hope I can get it running for you, but I don’t know. I ride to work with another guy that lives at the Monte Vista, and he’s driving tomorrow, so if I can’t get it working you could drive my car.”

“Oh, I couldn’t drive your car.”

“Sure you could. I won’t need it. I’ll be at work all day.”

“I know, but I can’t drive a stick shift. I never could.” I still remembered how embarrassed I had been in Driver’s Ed when I tried to drive a manual transmission. There were always two students in the car. One would drive somewhere and then they would switch and the other one would drive back. The other student in the car with me was Paul, one of Sassafras’s royalty, a football player. Maybe I would have been able to learn how to shift gears if he hadn’t been in the back seat laughing at me the whole time. The teacher finally gave up and told us to switch places, so the other guy drove to the lake and back. When we got back to school Paul made sure everybody knew what a horrible driver I was.

“Well, I’ll just have to fix Jenny’s car.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to?”

“I won’t know until I look at it.”

He walked me to his car and even opened the door and kissed me again before I got in. He had a real nice car. I don’t know what kind it was, but it was a stick shift, and it was fascinating watching him drive. There were hills and stop signs and corners, so he was constantly shifting and moving his feet, like he was dancing. Quite entertaining. I would have stalled the car at least once, probably twice, before I made it out of the parking lot.

I wouldn’t have recognized the Monte Vista when he pulled into the parking lot if I didn’t see the big sign. They had painted it, and changed some of the trim, but it wasn’t much of an improvement. The whole place looked like it was on the verge of collapse. A couple of the apartments must have been empty because they had busted windows, and one didn’t even have a door. I couldn’t believe Rick lived there. It reminded me of my first apartment in New York, except it was quieter. It was never quiet in New York. “You know, when I was in school everybody called this the No Tell Motel. People said you could rent rooms by the hour, but I don’t know if that was true or not.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Rick said. “This is the worst place I’ve ever lived in. Except Bowling Green, of course. I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking you here. Maybe you should just stay in the car while I run up and get the tools.”

I looked around the cracked parking lot. There used to be a pool in a corner of the parking lot, but it was filled in now, just a fenced in patch of weeds. You could only tell there had been a pool because they hadn’t taken down the diving board, so it stood there floating over the dead weeds and trash. A couple of people were sitting in front of their apartments in lawn chairs, drinking and yelling at somebody inside, and I saw curtains move in a couple of windows where people were watching us pull into a parking spot. This place was giving me the absolute creeps. “There is no way I’m staying in here by myself,” I told him.

“Yeah, why don’t you come up with me,” he agreed and leaned over to kiss me. We had to walk past the guys sitting in their lawn chairs, but it turned out they were friends of Rick’s. He worked with one of them, a guy named Tony, with tattoos up and down each arm. He was thin and had long blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail. They joked around a little as we walked past. Tony said his girlfriend was coming by with their baby. We should stop by after we took care of business, he said and laughed. I felt myself start blushing.

“Just so you know, he’s one of the other ex-cons that live here. He’s alright, we ride to work at Purina together.” I looked over my shoulder at him sitting in his lawn chair drinking a beer in the parking lot. He didn’t look so scary anymore, but it was easy to picture him in jail. I still had a hard time imagining Rick ever being in prison. I looked up at him, and tried to imagine him locked up somewhere, but just couldn’t.

We walked up a flight of stairs and down a walkway until we got to 36C. I remember thinking it sounded like a bra size and tried not to laugh. His apartment was small, about half the size of mine in New York, which wasn’t very big to start with. The inside looked nicer than the outside. It was all tan and brown, with just a little kitchen, a table and chairs, and a couch and TV. I had been hoping once we were alone Rick would at least kiss me, but he just told me to wait on the couch and started rooting in the closet. All he wanted to do was get his tools and go back to Tanner’s. At least I was with him, not sitting at home alone. I tried to be happy just being there with him, but I kept remembering things he did last night, things I wanted him to do again.

Sassasfras, Part 42

Rick


We sat talking and drinking for about an hour after Bill left. I noticed that it seemed like we were touching each other all night, just a hand on an elbow here, an arm around a shoulder there. We talked about the funeral tomorrow. We talked about Jenny's accident, trying to talk low enough so nobody around us could hear, but with the jukebox playing nobody could have heard us anyway.

"You know, this was the last place she was seen alive,” she said. “Steve, that guy you saw me talking with, said she was sitting back here by the pool tables. If somebody really did kill her, it could have been right here. I’m coming back tomorrow night and talk to the bartender that was here last night.”

"Like hell you are," I told her. "What if he was involved? If he killed your sister and you start asking him a bunch of questions, what makes you think he wouldn’t kill you, too? Even if he didn’t kill her, he may know who did. He might say something and tip off whoever killed her that you’re nosing around, and then that guy might come after you. You need to be very, very careful around him, and not let him get any ideas.”

While I was talking I was looking around, trying to think of some way to find out what really happened without asking a lot of questions. I was looking over at the bar when I saw the bartender hand a funnel and some thin plastic tube to a man in a flannel shirt. He walked over to a table full of guys drinking beer.

"Joan, look at that table over by the bar," I said. "Do you see that funnel and hose?"

"Yes, what are they doing?"

"That's a beer bong. I drank out of plenty of beer bongs when I was in college. You fill the funnel with beer, then open a valve and try to drink all the beer without stopping."

"Don't even think about it," she shook her head.

"What? Oh, I don't want to do that tonight. I was just thinking, if your sister never drank whiskey, how did it get in her stomach? Why couldn't you use whiskey in a beer bong? She could have been tied up, or unconscious. If they inserted the hose like a feeding tube they could have used it on her even after she was dead, just to make it look like she was drunk when she really wasn't."

“Who would do something like that? I mean, that’s so cold-blooded! It’s hard to believe anybody would even want to kill my sister, let alone do something like that. None of this makes any sense!”

"I know, but at least now we have an idea where she died, just not who did it or why. If she was really killed here, the bartender has to know something. If he wasn't involved, maybe he saw something, or heard something. When he gets here tomorrow, I'll talk to him, but I want you to go stay home. If he was really involved he might not say anything if he sees us together."

"I'm going," she said.

"No, you’re not."

"She was my sister," Joan said, "not yours."

"I know, Babe. You just have to trust me. The bartender knows me. He might let something slip. If you talked to him he would clam up. Look, I promise as soon as I talk to him I'll go to your house and tell you everything, just stay home."

“You can’t order me around. I’m not your dog or your wife.”

“I know, I know. I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I just don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Jenny was my….”

“Sister. I know, Joan. This isn’t a movie, or some book you’re reading. This is real life. Jenny is dead. Somebody killed her. How do you know Matt didn’t do it? If he killed Jenny do you think he would hesitate to kill you, too?” She opened her mouth to protest, but I put my arms around her and pulled her close. “You’re burying your sister tomorrow. I don’t want to have to bury you, too. Please, humor me just this once. As soon as I talk to Matt I’ll tell you everything he said, but I don’t want you anywhere near him.”

“I just need to know what happened.”

“I know, Joan, but this isn’t a game. This could be dangerous, and I don’t want you go get hurt. Please don’t fight me.”

I felt her relax and sigh deeply, then she nodded. “Okay, but you have to tell me everything.”

“Everything.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”