Confessions Of A Lazy Blogger

I just looked back through the archives and realized this blog has really turned into nothing but Sassafras. I don't even know if anybody misses regular entries or if people prefer nothing but Sassafras. I, on the other hand, miss writing about what wacky things happen around here. Unfortunately, nothing exceptionally wacky has happened lately.

There is one thing I've been meaning to write about. I already wrote about Buddy dying, but I never wrote about Little Dog. No, she didn't die. She had a nervous breakdown after Buddy died. At least that's how The Man diagnosed it. She was peeing and pooping in the house. He would shampoo the carpet about every two weeks, but he said the house still smelled like dog pee. We were thinking about just taking her to the pound, or even to the vet and have them put her to sleep, but then my brother-in-law stopped by and said he would take her. Since he's the one who gave her to us, that seemed like the perfect solution. She got to play outside all day with his dogs.

We were worried about what would happen this winter because she doesn't like the cold at all. Luckily for Little Dog, a friend of my brother-in-law saw her and fell in love. His mom, or some old lady that he knows, just lost her little dog, so he took Little Dog home with him. Now not only is some little old lady spoiling Little Dog rotten, that guy that picked her up takes her to work with him every day, so she gets to drive around in a great big dump truck and bark at everybody. Sweet life for a little dog.

We decided we weren't going to get another dog for a while. So, of course, we already have another dog. Last week my husband came home with a 9 month old wiener dog from the same animal shelter we got our first cat at. His name was Hunter, but nobody liked that name. The dog didn't even seem to like it. The Man thinks Snoopy is a good name, even though Snoopy was a beagle, not a wiener, but he mostly just calls him Little Man.

He's a big cuddler, but stingy with the kisses. Nothing like Little Dog, who would kiss you until she rubbed all the skin off your arm or cheek or wherever she was licking. If you weren't careful she was also quick to give you a wet willie. He'll give me a tiny little kiss once in a while, but mostly if you ask him for kisses he just looks at you like he doesn't understand English, even though everybody knows dogs understand everything you say. They just ignore you most of the time. Of course, they aren't as bad as cats, who don't just ignore you, they make sure you know they're ignoring you.

Sassafras, Part 77

Joan


“So, you two were plotting behind my back?”

He squirmed in his seat. “You’re not mad at me, are you? It was all Rick’s idea.”

“No, I’m not mad at you, Bill. I’m mad at Rick. That little sneak.”

“Aw, Aunt Jo, don’t be mad at Rick. We just wanted you to stay. You’re not going to tell him I told, are you?”

“I don’t know. All I know is I’m going to get even with him somehow. I’ll think of something. He’s not the only one here that knows how to sneak.” I sat drumming my fingers on the table for a minute, then it came to me. “Do you have any suitcases?”

“Yeah, a couple. Why?”

“When Rick gets back we’ll start packing them. We’ll tell him I started talking about something in New York, and you decided you want to move there after all.”

“Rick would never fall for that.”

“Yeah he would. Just for a minute or two. That’s long enough for me. It’s not like I want to torture him or anything.”

“But what would we say made me want to move to New York?”

“I don’t know. It has to be something really wild.”

“I know! We could say there’s a magnet school in New York for circus performers. I’m going to go learn how to be a fire-eater. That would be the coolest job in the world. Don’t you think so, Aunt Jo?”

“That’s perfect! And I could be trying to talk you out of fire eating, trying to talk you into something safer, like being a clown, or juggling. Didn’t Rick say he knew how to juggle? We could be arguing with each other while we pack. In your face, Rick. This is going to be fun.”

“Yeah! We might fool him. For a little while at least.”

We both laughed. It felt good. “Hey, I was thinking about making cookies today. Do you know where Jenny kept her recipes?”

Billy walked to the cabinet on the end and grabbed a couple of cookbooks and a recipe box. He picked a recipe out of the box. “This one’s the best cookie in the world,” he said. “Maybe even the universe.”

I looked at the recipe, and had to agree with him. Chocolate Crinkles. A yummy chocolate cookie, rolled in powdered sugar. I hadn’t had that cookie in years. “The universe, definitely.” I nodded in agreement and started looking for ingredients. Pretty soon Billy was playing on the computer while I was measuring and mixing, and then there were cookies in the oven. You’re supposed to refrigerate the dough for a couple of hours, but I couldn’t wait. When they were done he came back over and we had cookies and milk and talked some more.

“I remember eating these cookies with your mom when we were little. Mom used to make them extra big, so one cookie was a real handful.”

“Mom used to make them big, too,” Billy said. “She used to love Christmas just because she got to bake cookies all month long.” We sat in silence for a while, dunking our cookies in milk and thinking about Jenny.

“Your mom always loved Christmas. Does she still shake her presents?” Billy looked at me and I realized what I said. “I’m sorry, Bill. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I don’t think I’ve made it through an entire day without crying. It must be worse for you.”

“I don’t know. I know she’s gone, but, I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like it’s real, you know? I don’t think it will ever feel real. Not until I know what happened. Not knowing is what hurts.”

“I know. But it is real, Bill. If you ever want to talk, or anything, I’m here. You know you can talk to me, don’t you? I know I haven’t been around much since you were a little kid, but I’m here now. If you need to talk, or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I’m not going to cry, Aunt Jo.” He said that like I had suggested he sprout wings and fly to the moon.

“Bill, there’s nothing wrong with crying. Everybody cries sometimes.”

“Yeah, right. I bet Rick never cries.”

“Yes he does. I saw him cry.”

He looked at me in shock. “No way!”

“Yes way. Not just a tear or two, he was really crying.”

“Why would Rick cry? He barely knew Mom.”

“No, it was something else. He was telling me about his ex-wife, and his kids. He has a boy about your age, and a girl a little older, or younger, I don’t remember which. He started crying when he was talking about his kids, because he misses them so much. He hasn’t seen them in almost ten years, not since before he got arrested.”

“Why didn’t he go see them when he got out of prison?”

“He can’t. His wife won’t let him see them. Besides, they moved to California, and he can’t leave Missouri until he’s off probation.”

“Why won’t she let him see them?”

“That’s personal, Bill. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I probably shouldn’t have said anything.”

“I won’t say anything to him. I just can’t believe he was crying. Not Rick.”

“Yes, Rick. It was so sad. He misses them a lot. I can’t even imagine how it must feel to have somebody do that to you. No matter what he did, how much he hurt her. He can’t even call them on the phone, or send them a birthday card or a Christmas present. He doesn’t even know what they look like.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, you said it. So don’t think you can’t cry, or you shouldn’t cry. Everybody does, even Rick. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a broken arm or a broken heart. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurting, and I know you’re hurting. We might never find out what really happened to Jenny, but you can’t just stop living, stop feeling. If you’re not comfortable talking to me, I’m sure you could talk to Rick. And he wouldn’t mind if you cried. He has a good shoulder. Believe me, I’ve used it often enough since I met him. The first night we met I bawled my eyes out all over him, talking about your mom. He probably thought I was some kind of crazy person. I’m surprised he wanted to have anything to do with me.”

“Well, I know you’re some kind of crazy person and I still like you. I’m just not sure what kind of crazy person.”

“If you ever figure out what kind let me know,” I laughed.

Sassafras, Part 76

Joan


The coast was clear when I finally poked my head out of the bathroom. I scurried to the bedroom and dressed, then went looking for Billy to apologize again. I knocked on his door. “Billy? Bill, I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.”

“It’s okay, Aunt Jo,” he said over the explosions from whatever game he was playing. “I’m just glad Scott and Steve didn’t come over with me.” Good grief, I hadn’t even thought about that.

“Do you think you could come out here for a minute, Bill. I need to talk to you.”

I was sitting at the kitchen table looking at the bills again when he came out of his room. He slid onto a chair across the table but managed to avoid actually looking at me. “Look, I’m really sorry, Bill. I shouldn’t have left the door open like that. It was pretty stupid. I haven’t been so embarrassed since I walked around at work all afternoon with my skirt tucked into my pantyhose.” At least that got a smile out of him, but he was still successfully avoiding eye contact.

I shuffled a couple of bills around. “Bill, did your mom ever talk to you about money?”

“Oh, yeah. We’re broke. That’s why she had the satellite dish turned off. She said she was probably going to have to shut off the internet, too, but she didn’t want to have to stop blogging. Don said I was too young to work at the diner with Mom so I cut grass all summer to make money. When it stops snowing I’m going to go out with Scott and Steve and shovel driveways.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him the satellite had been disconnected because Jenny hadn’t paid the bill. Blogging. What kind of hobby was that? Writing details of your private life and then throwing them out for the whole world to know about. It was like turning your life into a circus, open to the public. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, and read all about it. I picked up the bill for the internet. It was part of the phone bill, an extra $40 a month. She was wasting her money on that when her gas and electric bills were both behind, rent was due, and in two months she was going to have to come up with almost a thousand dollars for taxes. I was right. Computers are the work of the devil.

“Did Jenny say she was expecting to get some money?”

“What do you mean, like win the lottery or something?”

“No. Maybe somebody owed her money, or she was going to borrow money from somebody. Or maybe she was going to sell something. I don’t know.”

“No. She was real worried about bills. She never said anything, but I could tell.”

“She never said anything to me, either. I wish I had known. I could have helped with Mom’s bills at least. I never knew it was this bad.”

There was another bill stuck to the back of the phone bill, a notice from the insurance company canceling the policy on Jenny’s car. I flipped through Jenny’s checkbook, but there wasn’t any payment to the insurance company listed after the termination date. Shit. I had been driving that car all last week with no insurance. I picked up my phone and dialed the number on the paperwork. It took some talking before I was able to get insurance on the car. Between the fact that Jenny was dead and hadn’t been paying on time when she was still alive they refused to just renew Jenny’s policy, so I had to get a new policy made up. I hadn’t had insurance since I moved to New York and that put me in a high-risk bracket, which didn’t make much sense to me. I didn’t have insurance because I didn’t need any, not because there was anything wrong with my driving. While I was on the phone the woman mentioned the bill for the house insurance was also past due, so I put that on my credit card, too. I thought I could feel it start to melt from all the charges I had put on it since I got to Sassafras.

“Well, it’s official,” I announced when I hung up the phone.

“What’s official?”

“I just paid more than $700 on insurance for the house and car. Looks like I’m moving back to Sassafras.”

Billy let out a yell, jumped up and ran over to give me a big hug. “Yes! Rick was right.”

I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean, Rick was right?”

“Oh, man, I wasn’t supposed to say anything.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Oh, man.” Billy sat back down and squirmed a little. “At Tanner’s, when you were playing the jukebox, Rick and I made a deal to get you to stay in Sassafras.”

“What kind of deal? Come on, spill it.”

“Oh, I was just supposed to make you think the house looked bad so you wouldn’t be able to sell it. Rick figured if the house looked bad you would have to stay long enough to fix it up, and then once you had it fixed you wouldn’t want to leave. I wasn’t going to do anything bad, honest, Aunt Jo. I was just going to turn off the hot water heater so you would think it was broke, and maybe mess with the fuse box so you would think there was electrical problems.”

“That’s the most crazy idea I’ve ever heard! You stay away from that fuse box, Bill. The last thing I need is you in the hospital. What was Rick going to do while you sabotaged the house?”

“I don’t know. He wouldn’t say. He just said you’d never want to leave after a couple of weeks. I never did anything because after you came home Saturday night we made our own deal, so I figured the deal I made with Rick didn’t matter anymore.”

Sassafras, Part 75


Joan

I couldn’t decide what had been better, going to sleep or waking up. Then I decided it was the pancakes. Or maybe it was the man that made the pancakes. The man that fell asleep still running his fingers through my hair. The man who woke me with kisses, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. The man I couldn’t wait to see again.

This was definitely turning into the best day of my life I decided as I sat at the kitchen table after Rick left. I decided I needed to find out how much it actually cost to live here, so I was going through Jenny’s bills and bank statements. I couldn’t believe how much cheaper it was here than New York. I mean, I knew New York was expensive, but I didn’t realize how outrageous it was.

I couldn’t tell exactly how much Jenny made because most of her income was tips, but she was managing to pay her bills. At least I thought she was, until I noticed a stack of papers on the counter near the phone. The first paper was a permission slip for a field trip that should have been handed in a month ago. The rest were bills. Past due bills, notices that this or that was going to be turned off. Nothing but bad news. There was even a notice from The Home demanding money or they were going to kick Mom out. No wonder that lady had been so eager to get me to sign all those papers. I went through the paperwork from the bank a little closer. There was a letter from the bank, refusing to refinance her house. It looked like she had been refinancing pretty regularly, but the well ran dry. There wasn’t any equity left.

Jenny was broke. Completely, totally broke. Aside from the money in Billy’s saving’s account, all she had was $250. I remembered Rick suggesting there was a connection between Jenny and that dead drug dealer. I laughed at the time, but I wasn’t so sure anymore. What if she was desperate enough to get involved with that creep? Whoever killed him might have decided Jenny knew too much. I picked up my cell phone, but stopped before I called Rick. I knew what he would say if I called. He would be mad at me for still snooping into Jenny’s murder after I promised him I wouldn’t, even though I hadn’t been snooping. Besides, I still didn’t know anything. So Jenny was broke. That didn’t prove anything. If she had gotten involved with drug dealers, where was the money she would have made, or the drugs she would have been selling? If she was involved with that dead drug dealer, why did whoever killed him wait months before killing her?

Nothing made sense, and it was all starting to give me a headache, so I decided to take Rick’s advice and relax in a nice hot bath. I found a CD on top of the stereo labeled simply ‘Jenny’ and popped it in the CD player, then picked up some candles and arranged them around the bathroom. While the Little River Band explained that I needed a cool change I went through the clothes I brought from New York. I wanted to look especially nice when Rick got back. I finally decided to wear what I was wearing the night we met, that soft gray dress that felt like it was made out of kittens. I even went through all my lingerie; trying to decide it I should wear a bra with a little padding so it would look like I actually had breasts or something lacy and revealing. That was another thing I had always been jealous of Jenny about. She inherited Mom’s tall, curvy figure, while I took after Dad, short and thin, scrawny little bird legs, barely a curve in sight. I sighed on the way back to the bathroom, grateful that Rick didn’t seem to mind any of my shortcomings.

When I got back to the bathroom the tub was almost full. I slid into the hot water, moaning contentedly. I could feel all the worries and tension drifting away. I stretched out in the tub and just relaxed, trying to think of something to do when Rick got back. The weather was too bad to do anything outside. I wondered how Billy was doing, if they were still out sledding or if they made it back next door already. I was looking forward to having my two men with me all afternoon.

I decided it was a good day to bake cookies. I may not be able to cook dinner, but I can bake a wicked batch of cookies. Chocolate chip, peanut butter, ginger snaps. I just seldom baked cookies in New York because it would take me a week to eat a batch of cookies, and that would be nothing but cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever I did bake cookies I usually brought most of them to work with me and left them for the secretaries. The real secret to my success was happy secretaries. Hopefully, cookies would work for Rick and Billy, too.

The CD was playing an old Simon and Garfunkle song, the one about feeling groovy, and I was splashing around and singing along, looking forward to a nice, relaxing afternoon.

“Awe, Jeeze, Aunt Jo!”

I looked up just in time to see Bill, his face red as a beet, hurriedly backing away from the door. I slipped down in the tub and peeped over the side, even though he was already out of sight. I’m sure I was probably pretty red myself. I guess I shouldn’t have left the door open so I could hear the CD. I just hadn’t expected him to come back so soon.

“Um, I’m home, Aunt Jo.”

“Yeah, so I see. Do you think you could be a doll and close the door for me, Bill?” He reached toward the door but he must have had his eyes closed because he couldn’t seem to find the doorknob. “A little to the right. A little more. Down a little.” He finally found the knob and pulled the door shut. “Thanks!” I yelled through the door at him. “Sorry!” God, I was so embarrassed. I never wanted to leave the bathroom. Maybe I could climb out the window and run away. Then I realized I left my clothes lying on the bed. I looked quickly around the bathroom. And Jenny’s robe, too. My God, I was going to have to run from the bathroom to Jenny’s room in nothing but a towel. At least I did have a towel to wrap up in. I sank down farther in the tub. Playtime was over.

Sassafras, Part 74

Rick


I didn’t know why I couldn’t move my arm until I opened my eyes. At first all I could see was a mound of brown hair trailing off onto the pillow, but it was enough to remind me where I was. And who she was. I spent the night at Joan’s again. I even carried her to bed, like somebody in a cheap made-for-TV movie, but it didn’t feel like that last night. It felt natural to lift her up and carry her to bed. After all, that was where I had wanted to be all night. I should have taken her there as soon as Bill left, or maybe when she told me she was staying, or at least when she said Bill wasn’t coming back that night.

We hadn’t stayed in bed the whole time. She looked like she was about to fall asleep in the living room, but by the time I was turning off the light switch she was running her fingers through my hair, and by the time I got to the bedroom door we were already kissing. We made love twice before we finally fell asleep curled up together, just stopping long enough to go to the kitchen and devour what was left of the tacos.

She yawned and stretched, her legs tangling up in the sheet. I slid my free hand around her waist. “Good morning,” I whispered in her ear as I pulled her up against me. “How did you sleep?”

She just yawned again and looked at me for a second before closing her eyes and laying her head back on my arm. “I’ll tell you when I wake up,” she said and wiggled a little closer.

“You think this is a dream?”

“Mm-hmm. A dream. That’s right. This must be a dream. It feels too good to be real.”

“Does this feel real?” I brushed her hair back and kissed her neck, her ear, her shoulder.

“Ooh, you’re all scratchy.”

“I’m sorry.”

She turned to face me, her eyes following her fingertips across my face, tracing the border between skin and whiskers. “I didn’t say I didn’t like it. It’s just scratchy. It tickles.”

“Let me tickle you some more then,” I said and started enjoying this new stretch of neck.

“Oh, definitely a dream. Or maybe a fairy tale. Only instead of Prince Charming or a knight in shining armor I found a king.”

“You still think I’m king material?” I moved back to look into her face.

“Of course. You are my king.” She kissed me, then rubbed her cheek experimentally against mine. I loved the feel of her silky cheek caressing mine, whiskers and all. She must have enjoyed the feeling, too, because I felt a small shiver ripple through her body. “You are my king,” she repeated as she nibbled on my earlobe. “I live only to serve you, my lord. Your pleasure is my only desire.” She smiled and I could almost see her doing a little mental curtsy.

“I like the way you think. You may pleasure me when ready.” I rolled over onto my back, my arms open wide, grinning at her. She laughed and slid on top of me. I just closed my eyes and let the sound of her laughter soak into me like a thunderstorm in the desert, my arms curling around her waist. I was in heaven, and it seemed to keep getting better and better. This was going to be the best day of my life. Boy was I wrong. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Her hands roaming across my body felt like old familiar friends, and when I touched her it was like touching a part of myself. That was how I was starting to feel about her, about us. There was a connection between us, like a rubber band. I could feel it stretch when we were apart, an almost painful pull toward wherever she was that I wasn’t. I was comfortable when we were together, but when we were apart, it felt like a big part of me was missing.

“Good lord, woman. What did you do to me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just lying here, minding my own business, when you attacked me like a wild animal.”

“A wild animal? I thought I was your king.”

“Yeah, king of the jungle maybe.”

I laughed and kissed her. She looked so beautiful, still flushed and out of breath, her hair tangled and wild. I just lay there admiring her, my hand stroking down her arm, across her belly. Her belly. That was when I realized I hadn’t used protection. Again. That was getting to be a bad habit. It was almost as if I wanted to get her pregnant. Or like I was 16 again. “God damn it. We might as well just give up and start picking baby names right now.”

“What? Oh, not again. We’re not exactly batting a thousand, are we?” She reached over to the nightstand and picked up her cigarettes. I hated her smoking, but tried not to let it bother me. I knew better than to try to convince her to stop smoking. All that would do was push her away. Of course, that would change if we found out she was pregnant. She would have to stop then. She lit a cigarette and lay back down next to me. “Well, I was always partial to Rebecca.”

“Rebecca, huh? You know, last night you never did say what you would do.” I let my hand glide back over her stomach. “You know, if there’s a little Rebecca in there?”

“Were you serious last night? What you said?” she countered.

“If we found out you were pregnant? A little Becky?”

“Or maybe a Travis. I like Travis, too.”

“Hmm, Travis Gilbert. I like it. Yes, I was serious. Sometimes, I miss my kids so much I can’t stand it. Having another chance would really mean a lot to me. Being able to do everything over, but do it right this time. I would love it. If you let me.”

She put her hand over mine, weaving our fingers together. “I would let you. I always wanted a family. A fancy wedding, a big house full of kids. There’s an empty house near here that me and Jenny used to hang out in when we skipped school. I used to pretend it was my house. I even had a pretend dog. A German shepherd named Max. And Travis and Rebecca, of course. And the twins, Pixie and Dixie. Sometimes you were an astronaut, sometimes you were a movie star. I had a good imagination. I thought growing up was going to be a big adventure. Everything was going to be happily ever after. I gave up waiting for happily ever after a long time ago. That was just something from a fairy tale.”

“What about now?”

“I told you.” She turned toward me, brushed hair back off my forehead, trailed her hand down the side of my face. “This is a fairy tale. I think that requires a happily ever after, doesn’t it?”

“Your wish is my command, my queen.” I took her hand and kissed her palm, then held it over my heart. “I swear Joan, whatever you want, whatever you need. I’ll give you happily ever after or die trying.”

“Right now, all I want is breakfast. We’ll worry about ever after later.”

“Breakfast it is.” And breakfast it was. I would have fixed her breakfast in bed, but she jumped in the shower and then joined me in the kitchen while I cooked.

“Pancakes!” She peeked around my shoulder. “I love pancakes!”

She did, too, covering each pancake with butter and syrup before digging in. “How long until you have to leave?” she asked between bites.

I looked at my watch and did a little calculating in my head. I had to be at the parole office at 11, it took about an hour to get there, but I needed to leave early enough to go home and check for a message from Boyd, get on the computer if I had to. Plus, I had to shave and change. “I should leave in about a half an hour, give or take.”

“Just a half an hour? That’s no fair. When will you get back?”

“I should be back around 1.”

“That’s all day!”

“No, it’s not that bad. I’ll be back before you know it.”

She snorted her opinion and then swirled another piece of pancake in the pool of syrup on her plate. “I hope so. I wish you didn’t have to go at all. The road looks bad.”

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

Sassafras, Part 73

Joan


“I’m not leaving.” I lifted my chin, wishing I felt as confident as I tried to sound, but I would have probably done anything he said. He could probably even convince me to go back to New York if he tried harder. For a minute we just sat staring at each other, then he shrugged and softly stroked my cheek.

“Okay, you’re not leaving, but if you’re not leaving you need to stay out of trouble. I already talked to Matt, and tomorrow I’ll stop at the police station and see if I can find out anything. Maybe they learned something over the weekend. All I want you to do tomorrow is relax. Go shopping or take a bubble bath or something.”

“Ooh, a bubble bath.” I closed my eyes, thinking about how long it’s been since I was able to indulge in something as simple as hot water and bubbles. “I can’t believe I’ve been here almost a week and haven’t had a bath yet.”

Rick tilted his head slightly and sniffed. “Well, you smell pretty good for being so ripe.”

“Oh, very funny. I take a shower every morning. I just haven’t taken a bath. It’s usually one of the first things I do when I come to town. I lived in four different apartments in New York and none of them had tubs, just showers. One even had a shower in the kitchen. Well, not exactly in the kitchen. There was a door that looked like it would be a closet, but it was a shower. I think it really used to be a closet it was so small. Just think, when I move back here I can take a bath any time I want to. That would be wonderful.”

“I know what you mean. There weren’t any bathtubs in prison, either. One of the first things I did when I got out was take a long hot bath. Before I got drunk or laid. It was hard to have much of a social life when I was living with my parents. I was glad when I got this job, even if it meant moving out here. This town really isn’t that bad once you get used to it. I still can’t get over finding out I live in the former No-Tell Motel.”

“Somehow, you belong there.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Oh, I’m just kidding.” The movie ended while we were preoccupied. The TV was playing a Kevin Costner movie, that one where he goes crazy and thinks he’s an Indian. Something Something Wolf. I never was a big Kevin Costner fan. He was just too much of a pretty boy for me. The movie was already half over and I didn’t have a clue what was going on it in. All I could tell you about that movie was it had nice scenery.

I couldn’t believe it was already past 8. I didn’t want the evening to end. I didn’t want Rick to leave. We were still sitting on the floor, leaning back against the couch, curled up together. God, it felt wonderful. Even better than the sex had been. Just feeling him next to me, even his big hairy legs rubbing against my skinny little bird legs, gave me the most wonderful feeling. I could have sat there in his arms like that all night long, running my fingers through his chest hair. I had never in my life felt so comfortable with a man, much less a completely naked man.

“Do you mind?” Rick asked, looking at my hand on his chest.

“Sorry,” I mumbled and pulled my hand away.

“Don’t stop,” he picked my hand up and put it back. “I like that. I meant, do you mind all this hair? One woman I dated said I reminded her of Bigfoot.”

“It’s different. I’ve never seen anybody so hairy. I mean, I’m sure I have, but never knew it, you know? After all, it’s hard to say how hairy somebody is until they take their shirt off.”

“It’s the Italian in me. A blessing and a curse.”

“I don’t know about the curse. I like all this hair. It’s sexy. I used to listen to other women talking about some guy’s abs or ass or whatever, but I never saw anything newsworthy about them. This, I like. I never knew I had a thing for hairy chests. I don’t know, maybe I just have a thing for your hairy chest. I like the way it looks, and the way it feels when I touch it. When we make love, all I can see is your face and this enormous hairy chest, and I like it.”

“I’m glad.”

“Me, too. I’ve learned a lot since I met you. I guess I led a pretty sheltered life. Until I met you, at least. Sex was never even really very interesting. It was just something men expected. I was always just glad when it was over.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.” He looked over at me in surprise.

“No. The first time I didn’t really know what to expect. He seemed to be enjoying himself quite a bit, but I was more confused than anything else.”

“What about the second time?”

“Well, at least I was less confused.” He laughed. “Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but I couldn’t understand what the big fuss was about. I mean, it was the most boring five minutes of my life.” We both laughed then. “I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about until I dated Phillip. Unfortunately, he would rather go out with his friends than waste any more of his precious time with me than he had to. See, I told you I dated your kind.” Rick nodded his head in silent agreement.

“He was always going out with his friends, but if I wanted him to go anywhere with me he was always too busy. The only time I was able to talk him into going somewhere with me he got drunk and tried to convince me to have sex in the men’s room. I actually went into the men’s room with him before I came to my senses. No wonder you guys are in and out so fast. It was disgusting in there. I can still remember that horrible smell. And this was a pretty nice restaurant, too, not some bar or something. What was it like for you? Your first time?”

“You have to promise you won’t repeat this. It would ruin my reputation as a lady’s man.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“I fell off the couch.”

“No!”

“Yes. Right on the floor. I was 16 and she was 19.”

“Ooh, an older woman. I’m impressed.”

“I don’t think she was. Especially after I got so excited I fell off the couch.” It was my turn to laugh. “Don’t laugh. I hit my chin on her knee and chipped a tooth.”

“Well, I’m glad you’ve improved your technique since then.”

“You have some pretty good moves yourself.”

That made me smile. I started to say something, but all that came out was a big yawn.

“I think it’s past your bed time.”

“Maybe,” I admitted. “Will you stay? Or do you have to go home tonight?” I slid my arm around his waist and nuzzled my face contentedly on his chest. I loved all that hair. I loved everything about him. I could have fallen asleep just like that and been perfectly happy. “You know, I never slept with anybody before. You know, really slept. Everybody else was always gone when I woke up, or I was gone before they did. It was so nice when I woke up yesterday and you were right there next to me. I want to wake up like that again. It was so nice.” At least I tried to say nice, all that came out was another yawn.

“I’d love to stay. This time I won’t have to run out the door five minutes after I wake up.”

“Mmm. That would be nice, too,” I murmured. The next thing I knew I felt his hand slide under my knees and then he was standing up with me in his arms. All of a sudden I wasn’t so sleepy. “Put me down. I can walk.”

He just smiled and kept walking.

“I’m going to go get a frying pan,” I warned him.

“Not if I don’t put you down you won’t.”

“You’re impossible, do you know that?”

“Yes, I know, but you love it.”

All I could do was sigh.

He was right.

From The Now I've Heard It All Files


A lady called work the other day wanting to know what it means when she phones a number and just keeps getting a busy signal. She even said it was a regular sounding busy signal, not the fast one that means something's wrong with the line. I suggested maybe, just a wild guess here, the line was busy. She seemed shocked by the idea. Surely it should go to a voicemail or an answering machine or something. But it just kept making a busy sound. She was genuinely puzzled by the whole thing.

Sassafras, Part 72


Joan

If Rick said it was his fault one more time, I swear I was going to slap him. No, that’s not true. I wouldn’t slap him. It was nice to think about, but I would never do it. No matter how crazy he drove me. And boy was he driving me crazy. “Look, Rick, I admit you sound like you were a certified rat bastard of the highest order, but you’re not now. I can tell you aren’t a rat. A rat wouldn’t care about what happened to Dana. A rat wouldn’t feel guilty. A rat wouldn’t have even mentioned it. I’m sorry about your ex-wife, but it really wasn’t your fault. She could have divorced you, or just left you any time she felt like it. Or she could have just started fooling around herself, or beat you with a frying pan until she knocked some sense into you.”

“Is that what you would do?”

“I don’t know,” I said, reaching over to inspect his head. “It would take an awfully big frying pan.”

He smiled, but he still looked troubled. “It was just hard today. Seeing Jenny made me think about Dana. It reminded me of all the shit I put her through. I don’t want to do that to you. What if I am a rat?”

“I’ll invest in frying pans.”

“I’m serious, Joan. What if I mess this up?” He was studying my hand, rubbing it between both of his. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know what to do, how to act. When I saw that guy talking to you last night I got so mad I couldn’t stand it. Then when he put his arms around you it was even worse. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to see it, but I couldn’t stop watching you with him. I remember he said something and you smiled at him, and then I thought you were going to leave with him. I was so afraid you were going to leave. I don’t know what I would have done. I’d rather die than stand there and watch you leave with him, but I couldn’t do anything except stand there, waiting for you to get up and start walking away. And then he kissed you and I knew you were going to leave, and I still couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t stop it. It hurt so much I couldn’t stand it. It felt like there was something inside trying to claw it’s way out.”

I put my arms around him. I didn’t know what to say to him. I was the one who always needed a shoulder to cry on. Seeing him like this, hearing all the pain in his voice, made me want to make it all better somehow, but I didn’t have any idea how. “It’s okay, Rick. He was just a guy I knew in school. I wasn’t going anywhere with him. I was waiting for you.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer, burying his face in my hair. “I’m right here, Rick. I’m going to stay here, with you.”

“You shouldn’t. You should go back to New York now, while you can.”

Now I was getting confused. “You want me to leave?”

“No. I just don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“So, you think I would be safer in New York? That’s crazy, Rick. Nothing’s going to happen to me.”

“That’s what I used to think about Dana.”

“Rick, don’t try to push me away. I know you hurt Dana a lot, but you’ve never hurt me.”

“I hurt you all the time, Joan. I made you cry not five minutes ago.”

“You didn’t make me cry. I was crying because I was afraid. I thought if I was really pregnant, you’d leave. I don’t want to be alone, not with a baby. I’m not as strong as Jenny. I couldn’t do it on my own. Even Jenny had me and Mom to help her. If you left, I wouldn’t have anybody. I need you, Rick. Even if I’m not pregnant, I need you. You’re the only good thing in my life right now.”

His arms tightened around me. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t want to see you in a box like Jenny.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me, Rick. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that. Joan, somebody murdered your sister. I don’t know who and I don’t know why, but somebody killed her. If you keep playing detective….”

“I’ve got to find out what happened to Jenny. You can’t make me just pretend everything’s fine. I need to know what happened. Bill needs to know. Nobody else cares what happened.”

“I care!” he insisted, turning my face so he could look into my eyes. “Please, Joan. If you won’t leave, at least let me look into it. Don’t keep poking around and asking questions. Please, trust me Joan. At least give me a couple of days to snoop around and see what I can find out before you do anything else. Please, trust me, just this once.”

Stop The Insanity

I had a caller today that complained because he got a wrong number earlier. He wanted a taxi, so somebody gave him the number of Taxi Dogs. Turns out that isn't a taxi company, it's a hotdog stand. He said the person who answered the phone there complained about 411 giving out their number when people ask for a taxi. What did they expect when they named their company Taxi Dogs? I don't remember which city it was in, but if anybody ever calls and asks for a taxi company and I see Taxi Dogs I'm going to give it to them. On purpose. I'm just mean like that.

Sassafras, Part 71

Rick


I remembered those good old days. Anything I wanted, I found a way to steal. I even stole a car. Back then, way back in the 80’s, everything wasn’t as computer oriented as it is now, so I had to make sure the dealer was modern enough to be on-line. Once I picked my mark I got a part-time job washing cars there. I looked over the cars on the lot, picking out which one I wanted. I needed a nice car, but not one so eye-catching anybody would notice it was gone. Once I picked my car I washed it and parked it right by the side entrance, then kept the key when I left. I went home and deleted everything about that car from the dealer’s inventory, then printed up new copies of any paperwork the dealer would have had that would have mentioned the car. Then I even hacked into Chevy and deleted everything about that car there. Suddenly that car just disappeared. The next morning the security guard opened all the gates, even though only the service department was open. Since there weren’t any salesmen, nobody saw me walk up from the diner across the street, get in ‘my’ car and drive away. That night I went to work like nothing happened and replaced the paperwork mentioning the car I took.

“But I didn’t just steal. I was a complete pig. That guy you told me about, the one that said you were convenient? He was me on a good day. I was a bad man, Joan. A bad husband. I was never exactly a one-woman man.” I remembered what a self-centered jerk I used to be. I used to pick up women in bars all the time, even after I was married. The best pick-up line is $50. I would pick out a woman, buy her a drink, then pay with a fifty and tell the bartender to keep the change. That never failed to impress. They never knew I was friends with the bartender. When I got my drink the change was folded inside the napkin he handed me. Women who wouldn’t look at me twice if they knew who I really was would be all over me once they started thinking I had money. Sad but true. Of course, you have to take into consideration the class of women I was likely to find hanging out in bars.

“I feel so sorry for Dana, what I put her through. How I made her feel. I treated her like crap, and she put up with it for seven years. I was constantly cheating on her. At first I tried to hide it, but then I realized it didn’t matter. She knew. She just didn’t care. As long as she had money she was happy, and I made her very happy.”

“At least I thought she was happy. We used to fight every now and then. I’d call her a bitch and she’d tell me to fuck off and die. Nothing serious. One night we had our usual fight. I was going to spend the weekend with my latest girlfriend, but Saturday was Josh’s birthday. For some crazy reason Dana thought I should stay home, but I left anyway. The woman I was supposed to meet never showed up, so I decided to go back home. Josh and Crystal were in the living room watching cartoons. Dana was in our bedroom lying down.”

“I thought she was sleeping. Until I noticed she’d thrown up on the bed and was just laying in it. And then I saw the bottle of pills on the table. She spent all weekend in the hospital. I don’t even know where Josh and Crystal were that weekend. I didn’t care about them, and I didn’t care about her. All I cared about was myself. I was mad at my girlfriend for standing me up and ruining my weekend. I was mad at Dana for trying to kill herself, and even madder at her because I thought she might end up a vegetable and then I’d have to take care of her the rest of my life and that would really suck. She would rather die than be my wife, and all I could think of was myself.”

“About a week later she saw a lawyer. I didn’t fight the divorce. I gave her everything she asked for. After all, I almost killed her. I was her husband. I was supposed to take care of her. I was supposed to love her and protect her and take care of her, but I didn’t. I shouldn’t have left that night. If I had been there….”

She put her hand over mine. “Rick, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t make her do anything. It wasn’t your fault. If you had been there she wouldn’t have done it that night, but sooner or later there would have been something else. Rick, you didn’t almost kill her, you saved her life. If you hadn’t gone back home and found her she might really have died, but you saved her. You didn’t know what she was going to do. She must have been really depressed. She was probably thinking about suicide for a long time. There were probably a lot of little things that all added up. That fight was just the last straw for her.”

“But I was her husband, Joan. I should have known. I was supposed to take care of her, not make her so miserable she would rather die than live with me. It was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Rick. And besides, you’re not like that anymore. I’m not stupid. I know what you were like. I‘ve dated your kind, but you’re different now. You said so yourself.” She held her hand against my face, looking into my eyes. “When I look at you, I don’t see the man you were. I see the man you are now. I see a good man.” She pressed her hand against my chest. “Remember? You have a good heart. I can feel it.”