What a Tard

See if you can spot the problem in this sequence.

1) Put clothes in washing machine
2) Wash laundry
3) Put clothes in washing machine
4) Wash laundry
5) Look for laundry in drier
6) Look at huge pile of clothes in washing machine
7) Dhoh!

Puppies Anyone?

Little Dog went into heat a month or so ago. She didn't meet any nice young boy dogs, but with my Little Dog there doesn't have to actually be another dog involved. That's right, she's having another imaginary litter. I call the pick of the imaginary litter, but I'm sure she'll have plenty of imaginary puppies to share. The good thing about imaginary puppies is they can be any breed you want. Well, technically, they will be 1/2 any breed you want, 1/4 chihuahua and 1/4 dachshund. I think my imaginary puppy will be a Carlin Pinscher. Just in case you're too lazy, I mean busy, to click on the link, they are a cross between Miniature Pinchers and Pugs that look just like little tiny Rottweilers. Not that I'm a big fan of Rottweilers, more like a big fan of anything unusual and surprising. My brother's girlfriend has a Rottweiler. I don't like her dog at all. He's the kind of dog that scares me. I don't know if he's really mean, or if he just barks and lunges at people because he wants to give them lots of sweet doggy lovin. I'm leaning toward really mean.

Tonight's Special

A long time ago I blogged a recipe for BBQ Racoon. I'm sure since then you've been waiting for more tasty recipes. Well, wait no more. The magazine that had the racoon recipe, Rural Missouri, has some more winning recipes this month. I swear I'm not making any of these recipes up. I'm not going to put in the recipes for Sauerkraut Cookies (yes, cookies with sauerkraut in the batter. Can't wait to try that.) or the Beefy Brownies (Basically just mix up a batch of brownies and throw in about a cup of cooked hamburger. Dinner and dessert all in one.) but I have to put in this recipe.

Crow Casserole

6 crow breasts
1 quart sauerkaut
6 strips bacon
1/3 cup chopped onion

In a skillet, brown the crow breasts, then place them on a 1 1/2 inch layer of sauerkraut in the bottom of a casserole dish. Cover each piece of meat with a strip of bacon and onion. Cover the breasts with another layer of sauerkraut and pour sauerkraut juice over it. Bake for two hours in a 350 degree preheated oven.

And the best news is Missouri's crow season is November 1 through March 3, with no limit on the amount of yummy crows you can shoot.


And now for another culinary nightmare, I mean masterpiece. I was at my Mother-in-law's garage sale a couple of weeks ago and picked up an ancient cookbook, The Culinary Arts Institute Encyclopedic Cookbook. Here is a tasty tidbit from that book.


Roast Opossum

The opossum is a very fat animal with a peculiarly flavored meat. (I'm thinking, no shit? Maybe that's why it's so hard to find possom at the grocery store.) It is dressed much as one would dress a suckling pig, removing the entrails, and if desired, the head and tail. (Oh yes, that would definitely be desired.) After it has been dressed, wash thoroughly inside and out with hot water. Cover with cold water to which has been added 1 cup of salt. Allow to stand overnight; in the morning, drain off the salted water and rinse well with clear, boiling water. Stuff opossum with Opossum Stuffing; sew opening or fasten with skewers. Place in roaster, add 2 tablespoons water and roast in 350 degree oven until tender and richly browned, about 1 1/2 hours. Baste every 15 minutes with drippings. Remove skewers or stitches, and place opossum on heated platter. Skim fat from gravy remaining in pan. Serves 10.

Opossum Stuffing

1 large onion, chopped fine
1 tablespoon fat
Opossum liver, optional
1 cup bread crumbs
Chopped red pepper
Dash Worcestershire sauce
1 hard-cooked egg, chopped fine
Salt

Brown onion in fat. Add finely chopped opossum liver and cook until liver is tender. Add crumbs, a little red pepper, Worcestershire sauce, egg, salt and water to moisten.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!

I was reading some blogs just now and noticed another blog I read has a link to the Daily Cud in the side bar. Way to go Scooterdeb! I hope your husband enjoys his new heart. I got so excited I did a vanity search for Daily Cud on Google, but didn't find anybody else linking here. My goal of world domination is going a little slower than I planned.

Heart Attack

I about had a heart attack this morning. I was puttering around the house when I decided to check the calendar and see when I work today. I hate not having a set schedule. I like to have a regular routine, but every day is different. So about 9:10 AM I look at the calendar and see that I'm supposed to start working at 9:45 AM. It takes me at least 30-40 minutes to get to work. I jump in my shoes and run to my car like I'm in the Indianapolis 500. I start my car and then check the schedule in my planner, just in case I copied it into the calendar wrong. I had to sit there and look at it for a minute, because it didn't say 9:45, it said 12:00. Something was wrong. Then I looked at the sheet for next week. Yeah, next week I have an early day.

So now I am sitting here trying to catch my breath. I should be doing laundry or filling my aquarium, but I can't, so I'm blogging instead. Why can't I do that, you ask? Is my arm broken, or did my water get shut off, or has tapioca pudding started coming out of the faucets? No, no, and sort of. On the way home from work last night my husband called and told me to stop and pick up 2 gallons of water from the gas station. He said there was something wrong with the water. It wasn't as bad as the water on Dante's Peak, but it was too nasty to drink. We have a neighbor who's pregnant, and her husband and my husband were both pissed off about the whole thing. They went to the mayor's house, but the mayor didn't seem too worried about it. He said he would take care of it tomorrow. So now I have a dishwasher full of dirty dishes, two baskets full of dirty laundry, and a fish tank that needs about 10 gallons of water (it's a 55 gallon tank) and I can't do anything about it.

So here I sit, drowning my sorrow with chocolate donettes (They already have a picture of Frankenstien on the box and it's still September. Next month they will probably put out boxes with Santa and the elves on it.), Sundrop (Best soda in the world, possibly the universe. It's a citrus soda, like Mountain Dew or Mellow Yellow. When I was little it came in green glass bottles with tiny bits of pulp swirling around the bottom. The pulp is gone now, but it's still the best soda ever.), and Court TV (Ah, Court TV. What more do I need to say? I got hooked on it during the OJ Simpson trial. I'm pissed that the judge in California wouldn't let them broadcast the Scott Peterson trial, but that's probably a good thing. If they were broadcasting that trial it would be a struggle to turn off the TV and go to work). Life is good. At least until I have to get up and go to work.

Facelift

I decided it was time for a change on my blog, so I changed the template today. I hope my adoring fans like the new look. I also added some new links to the side-bar. I just wanted a change. Perk up the old blog. I also have a new look. My husband gave me a perm. He waited at the hair salon once when I was getting a perm. After that he realized he could spend about $10 and do the same thing the stylist was charging $55 for. Every time he does it he swears he's never going to do it again. I don't know if you've ever been around somebody that's getting a perm, but it stinks to high heaven. I've never had one that didn't absolutely reek. After a perm you aren't supposed to wash your hair for 2 or 3 days, and every now and then your hair will send out a little whiff of perm stink until you finally get to wash it.

Bad Mommy

Well, it took some fighting, but we finally got our foster daughter in school. Her mother never would sign the papers so she could go to school here, but we were able to have her declared homeless, even though she lives here. She's only been to school 4 days, and had to come home early today because she didn't feel good. Apparently she was in gym and started feeling dizzy after somebody pushed her. She's in her room laying down right now.

So, how does that make me Bad Mommy? I got up this morning and drove her to the bus stop, then came home and went back to bed. The phone rang while I was in bed, and by the time I got to the phone the answering machine picked up. I picked up the phone, but whoever it was had already hung up without leaving a message. The Caller ID said it was from the school, but I thought it was just her calling to see if I had talked to a friend of hers that was thinking about picking her up after school. Looking back, I should have called the number on the Caller ID back, but I thought if it was important she would call back, or would have left a message. My husband ended up having to leave work and go to school to pick her up. He was Mad Daddy because I was Bad Mommy.

411 101B

One more thing about the city and state question. Some cities have one word names, like Dallas. Some have two or three word names, like Fort Worth or Salt Lake City. When you say the name of the city, give the whole name. Every now and then someone will call in and just say Rancho, California. There is no such place as Rancho, California. I know, I searched for Rancho, California until my fingers were just bloody stumps. There are 9 cities that start with Rancho, like Rancho Cucamonga and Rancho Bernardo. Just saying Rancho is as much help as telling me it's in Saint. On the flip side, some people like to give their cities extra names. Like Jackson Hole, Wyoming. There is no Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Sure, the local yocals might call some place around there Jackson Hole, but it's official name is simply Jackson.

Then there are the cities that sound like their name should be broken up into two words, but for some reason aren't. Like Westlake, California. Oh, wait, can't find any city named Westlake, California. Maybe it is broken up into two words. Search for West Lake, California. No, can't find West Lake, California. Maybe the people who named it were the same retards who named a city in Texas Weslaco, instead of West Laco. Look for Weslake, California. No, can't find Weslake either. Finally, the brain surgeon on the other end mentions the name of the city is Westlake Village, California, not just Westlake, California. Bingo, bongo, there it is.

411 101A

I decided the world needs a training course on how to use directory assistance. Today's lesson is going to discus the first words you will hear from a 411 operator 95% of the time.

What City And State Please?

In order to find a telephone number the operator needs to know where it is listed. We're not asking you what city and state you are in. We don't care where you are. As a matter of fact, we have Caller ID on our phone lines so we already know where you are. How else would we be able to charge you for your calls? We're not asking you to guess where we are, and there isn't a contest to see if you can guess the mystery city of the day. When we ask "What city and state, please" you are supposed to tell us where the business is located, or where the person lives. Sometimes when I ask people that they have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. It's like they have never called 411 before in their life. These are the people that probably have to read the directions on a box of Poptarts.

I've lost track of how many times I searched and searched for a listing in Dallas, TX only to have the caller tell me "Oh, it's not in Dallas, it's in Fort Worth." Well why did you say Dallas when I asked you what city? I can understand in areas where you're not sure if the business is in one city or the next. That doesn't bother me very much because once we realize the listing isn't in the city requested our computers can expand the search to the neighboring areas. But if you are 50 or a 100 miles from the location of the number you're looking for the computer won't look that far.

So when we ask you what city and state, just tell us what we need to know. Make sure you say the city and the state, because you would be surprised how many city names are used in multiple states. There is a Pasadena, CA and a Pasadena TX, an Inglewood CA and an Englewood CO, etc. And then there are the cities that sound the same. Cities like Fort Henry and Port Henry, or Marysville and Murysville. It's up to you to give us the information we need to find the number you're looking for. If we were psychic you wouldn't have to say anything. As soon as we answered your call we would tell you the number you needed, or we could call you.